trapped in a tanatalizing tapestry of silence

2007-08-03T01:00:00.000+08:00

i jus wish for u to be happy.
i truly want u to be happy
that is all i desire quite frankly
ur happiness, ur smile
i know im not perfect
n ill nv be
i apologise for my shortcomings
but ur happiness is all i desire
for u mean the world to me
uve been wif me 4 almost my whole life
n the joy in ur heart, tt twinkle in ur eye
is all ill ever crave
fail me not oh mighty force
grant me this one wish n desire
bestow joy n happiness and shine ya light
into the life of someone who deserves it so much more than any1 of us
and who has been devoid of it for a long time now
wisdom, faith, courage, strength and truth can onli be complimented by happiness and pure joy
grant it to her by ur grace for tt is all i'll ever desire.

2007-07-08T07:15:00.000+08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY REKA!!!!!!!! <3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3=)))

i love the fact i have nth to do..haha bumming around is ammazziingg..=)) i get to sleep late, wake up late, go out, meet wif old frens, have nice lunches, try out new recipes, meet new ppl...haha im luving it...=)) to think after 6 mths of working, i wd be bored..hehe well i am but its a gd feeling to have nth to do...i mean it aint gonna last much longer..=(( part of me doesnt want sch to start =((

i saw a shooting start last nite...n it was ammaazzinngg =)))

this post is utterly random but ah well it like 730am n im awake!! omg...haha mayb i shd go to the temple afterall since im up...

2007-06-19T21:28:00.000+08:00

so i havent blogged in a while cos nth significant has happened...haha a sure sign of absolute decomposition taking place due to temporary unemployment...haha but heck it, im loving everrrrryyyy bit of it...

i must say im like FINALLYYY reading a book after god knows how long...(yes big gasps of shocks are required..) well its a gd book, the alchemist by paulo cohelo..and it has really got me thinking...

so maybe the universe does really want to see you succeed, maybe there really are such things as omens and u know ur personal legend can be realised if only you finally figure out what it actually is..

there is jus one thing i dont get. a burning question ive had all this time. maybe its cos im like 18 and still young and slightly hormonal...but u know ive always wondered y is it tt u meet some ppl...how these ppl can affect your lifee soo much in either a positive or negative way and then they jus fade away..i mean i strongly believe they are there to teach me sth..for me to learn sth n grow from the experience but you know for some ppl its hard to find the reason as to y they are there..maybe its best not to question and jus enjoy their company and not to contemplate too much or delve into the matter soo much...but hey its human nature to question the unknown and new...and another thing i will never get is how 2 ppl soooo wrong for each other can be soo right for each other at the same time...ugh another paradox ill never get...detachment! haha detachment is keeeyyy i suppose!!

every1 in life may come and go. but there will always be one person whom i will NEVER forsake and who i will always be there for...=)))

2007-06-02T18:12:00.000+08:00

okieee...i LOOOOVVVVEEEEEEEE MY DADDDDYYYYY.....

despite making feel dumb, appa has beeen suppppppeeerrrr suuuuppppeeeerrr nice n great to me. Y i know not. but hey im not complaining. =)

i luv him and i think i hav finally decided NOT to go for camp simply because there are other more important things. ppl at sch wd come and go but daddy will not last foreva. i should do it when it matters and i know deep down it does. so yes, no camp.

on another note, im strangely bored of my unemployment which hasnt even lasted a full week, but im liking it too..=)) ive met most of my frens i haven seen in a long while, shoppped( this is always gd) and slept ( i could practically date my bed for those of you who know me). life seems to have finally slowed down abit. the uncertainty is reduced for abit regarding educational prospects but has sprouted in other areas..hmmm...

I Crave Your Mouth, Your Voice, Your Hair

DON'T GO FAR OFF, NOT EVEN FOR A DAY Don't go far off, not even for a day,
because -- because -- I don't know how to say it:
a day is long and I will be waiting for you,as in an empty station
when the trains are parked off somewhere else, asleep.

Don't leave me, even for an hour,
because then the little drops of anguish will all run together,
the smoke that roams looking for a home will drift
into me, choking my lost heart.

Oh, may your silhouette never dissolve on the beach;
may your eyelids never flutter into the empty distance.
Don't leave me for a second, my dearest,

because in that moment you'll have gone so far
I'll wander mazily over all the earth, asking,
Will you come back? Will you leave me here, dying?

Pablo Neruda

Yes, once again its my all time favourite poet, Pablo Neruda. Of course this has been translated from Spanish. I love his poetry because its soo heartfelt true and sincere.Its down to earth persona, together with his beautifully expressed toughts leave everlasting images in one's mind and heart.

Sure, it may seem over the top and a little too drama, but hey a little indulgence never killed anyone. Coming to think of it, everyone deep down wants someone else to feel this way of us, even if its too idealistic or utopian and yet, to make one's self feel this way of another is as scary as hell as you are opening yourself up fully, exposing yourself, hence making you so very vunerable; vunerable to rejection, hurt, pain and on the flipside, acceptance and possibly unconditional love.

Hence the role of such a poet, to spark up out innate tendancies, spice it up, so we feel for a moment and there what could be if we were totally irrational and insane, throwing caution to the wind. So, at the end of out little indulgence we can just simply say, ah well, these are but mere words penned on paper. =)

2007-05-24T20:27:00.001+08:00

OMG! i cant believe almost 6 months has flown past soo fast!...ive been at st pats for like 1 and a half terms...where do i even start?? it has been the MOST MEMORABLE journey of my life...sure it WAS NOT easy...but i learnt ALOT and you know thinkin back at the end of the day, i am a much better person today simply because i had this experience..

i am still trying to collect my thoughts to give a properly composed entry...but its too hard..i have a rush of emotions going through my head...statisfaction, happiness, and the inevitable nostalgic feeling and partial reluctance of deaprture...like you know how a void would be in your heart

a random 3N1 boy asked me today..."mam, why do you care soo much about 3N2 (the class i teach english to)?" and all i could say was " why should i not care?" because the truth is i care and i dunno y but i jus do..whether or not it is appreciated or i am respected makes no difference to me...its jus me cos care should be given n shown without expectation of anything else in return...=))

i still rmb on my 1st day on th 31st of jan, i was nervous as hell, cos the boys were like all bigger and taller than me..n i had the timetable which said 2e5,2N1,2N2,3N2,2T2...n almost every teacher who saw me was like OMG gd luck man...tt was sooo NOT helping...and didn help that SOME teachers thought i was a shotgun parent problem..tsk tsk well cos it was the breakfast meeting where parents get to meet the teachers...

i rmb all the classes i went into saying " you know we made the previous teacher leave, and dunno how many others cry..what makes you think you can last?" almost every class i went into said they were the worst class ever..but i was like we shall jus see...n you know wad i haven cried IN CLASS AT ALL during my time there...hmmm felt disheartened? yes. felt demoralised? yes. felt like a loser? yes. but it all paid off eventually cos i refused to give up..haha like krys said..ur commitment is jus scary..haha true...so many ppl have asked my y i am still there or like y i cared whether the boys passed or not as it really makes no difference to me...they were and are all right...but the fact was that it mattered. it mattered tt they passed and passed well...mayb tts y i kept tryin...n i hav no regrets what-so-ever =))

i have become a much stronger person. i see problems with a different light. i handle and relate to ppl differently or rather i realise how to cater to their needs effectively..it has been such an enriching experience...and when 3N2 sang their little good-bye song..haha i was touched..i know it sounds silly and dumb but it doesnt take alot to make me smile and yea i was touched..=))
i think at the end of the day im gonna miss them all...ESP THE STAFF! who made me feel sooo welcomed, allowed me to make mistakes and guided me through everything....they made me feel so loved and cared for..haha they are a very nice bunch..=)) gosh im soo thankful right now...

ahhh..i shall miss them all!! =)) thank you! =))

2007-05-21T17:44:00.000+08:00

im happy that my uni applications are outta the way...like FINALLY!!...am pleased with the outcome...guess all is really taken care off by the man up there if id jus let him FULLY take control...hahah but tt's like soo hard..to hand over sth completely to fate and faith and know that the best will happen but stillll i cant help worryin..cos you know there is still that degree of choice in our lives that alters predetermined fate to a certain extent...

i must say his plan is weird..n hmmm while i am insecure abt LOADS of things...i must say that the 1st few mths of this yr cdn hav been better...ive tried new things..been affirmed...been cared for...been encouraged..been validated...felt tt adreneline cloud 9 rush..ALL of which override all the other unpleasant times inbetween...really its all a matter of perspective..

so i approach yet another crossroad...n im never alone even if it may not b visibly so....things will work out the way they were meant to work out..i have no regrets...never had any and dun intend to..guess tts wad plain simply honestly does 4 u...plain simple honesty to urself n others tt is..

2007-05-12T21:34:00.000+08:00

Im finally a haaaappppyyy rellaazzzeeedd girl...all thanks toVERNIE and her wondeful spontaneity and GREAT company and idea to go to MOS yest!hahaha

it was fun n im tired out cos SOME ppl had to wake up at 9am today leaving me feelin bad if i slept over like the pig i am..=P but yup tired but sorta recharged..haha in like a weird ironical sorta way..=P ahhh yes..gotta thank her loads anyway..once again it was jus the two of us and yet another perfect girls' night out!! wheeeeee...=)))

next time we shall plan in advance n not decide at 9pm! hahah n SLEEP in the next day till noon..=P tho it was the partly the randomness n spontaneity tt made it soo fun..=))heeee

n i din bring ANY damn markin home..hahah which means im STILLL "FREE"!! heheheh

2007-04-30T19:33:00.000+08:00

omg so much has happened since i last blogged...haha been too lazy or rather i dunno how to put stuff into words

i went to the zoo! haha =)
daddy suprisingly bought me a damn nice dress=))
i bade farewell..a bittersweet farewell =) =(
i screwed up a few interviews n tests =((
i tink my students hate me =((
i tink my technical class is gonna fail ENGLISH=((((
i wishhhhh beyond wish for you to find HAPPINESS..not some but EVERY poss form of it..sigh

me must be stronger. i cannot fade when my light hasnt even shone..

( i tot i wanted to rant over so much more but the prev sentence says it all )

if time be the railway line, den let my essence be the train..=))

2007-04-19T00:04:00.000+08:00

spontaneous, magical simplicity...=))))

2007-04-17T23:08:00.000+08:00

i seriously feel like such a complete n uttter faliure n loser...
i wanna curl up in a corner n jus cry...but no tears seem to flow...ugh
or i could jus take a long n aimless drive if onli i knew how to drive...ugh
talk abt bad days...
the worst is when u cant help others solve their issues cos ur preoccupied wif ya own stuff..if onli i could divde my emotions n multi-task themm but i cant n im sorry cos i feel like ive let u down when i shd otherwise have given u productive solutions...im sry..

2007-04-09T19:15:00.000+08:00

As mark twain once said, "it was the best of times, it was the worst of times" and dhiviya adds...and yet it was the most secure of times...

its strange and paradoxical even. its a contradiction in itself. its a myraid of uncertainties clumped into one and yet there is a lurkin sense of joy and overshadowing empowerment. Its all so weird and strange i dont even know where and how to begin explaining this and quite honestly im VERY sure no one gets this, because if you do, please enlighten me! haha

its like a rush up the hilltops, the higher you go the happier you feel, and yet the more exposed u are and hence the more shelter you seek. the higher you go, the more uncertain you get if this is the path your meant to take or take it with. the higher you go, the closer you are to the inevitable destination of departure and leave, and yet amidst it all this rush jus keeps pushing you higher, higher that the mist of cloud 9 surrounds you, leaving you baffled and amazed and vunerable in a sorta way that isnt so bad or vunerable at all. i was meant to be left in knots and i sorta knew it wd play out tt way, but strangely i haven exactly been entangled and i haven exactly fallen tho im quite sure i am.

now all i can wonder is what on earth will be my saving grace? hmm now this shd b interestin..

2007-04-06T23:11:00.000+08:00

i havent been able to blog cos like my com has some prob entering blogger...

but well the past 2 weeks have been really something...so many things have happened..

i officially got driven up the wall by the boys in the span of these 2 weeks..sigh.

james officially doesnt want tution anymore which is sad..cos i really did want to help him despite everythin cos really kids like tt can be helped.mayb i jus didn have enough patience, mayb i shd not have forced him to exercise his motor skills when tt is his main prob..sigh..i felt like such a loser when his mum on the verge of tears told me everythin..ugh! Y?? damn..

but on the other hand i must also thank you for the best 3 weeks of my life thus far...=))) mere thoughts translated into reality is sth tt the moon and stars over the beach and sea's horizon can testify for more than anything else..y or how or where from now is sth i am powerless n answerless to...but if one were to live each day at a time..these have been the worst n yet the best 3 weeks of my life thus far...

2007-03-23T23:50:00.000+08:00

so, its been the first week of sch from the other side of the classroom...

honestly, i was damn nervous on monday, even tho ive taken most of my classes for about half a term in term 1, i was still nervous..hahah which explains y i wore make up the 1st day...okie this sounds damn bimbo...but oh well its true...haha the mask of insecurites..

over the week, i met my new class 4N2..all i can say is that i just pray to God tt i dun screw their english up too badly such tt they severly underperform for their N levels cos there aint much time...oh well...we shall just see how it goes...

i enjoyed the after sch part of this week ALOT...on monday i tutored James..sigh..sometimes you need soo much patience to teach tt boy that i feel i aint doing him any justice..but acc to his mum, its helpin him generally...ahhh well once again we shall jus see how it goes...the arrangement was to tutor him EVERYDAY...i understand where the mum is coming from...but its DAMN tirin...n when im tired ill be flustered which doesn do well wif patience...

i told myself i needed some enjoyment..=P like selfish entertainment...which i dunno i did feel bad for blowin such a kid off aft i gave my word...but ah heck..i still can afford to be superficial n have some entertainment..=P so yes..it was a fruitful week socially cos i met up wif frens i haven seen in AGES...n tho i think zouk on wed night made me a walkin living zombie on thurs n fri...i had a nice time in such a looonnnnggg time..=P actually not tt long...jus feels tt way..but it was gd...=DD n yea thurs i slept the aft but met vernie at the esplande for dinner...n we had a nice looonngg talk...haha guys are jus sooo weird sometimes..actually its the whole idea of relationships...they jus get messy n complicated cos ppl place too many expectations...like i expect u to call or go out n yet u didn so u end up feelin dissappointed...a gd alternative is to have no expectations at all...but tt SOOO borders on being disillusioned which aint gd either...hahah so in short such things are jus weird n im jinxed...=( like i was tellin vernie...hahah

actually she's a gd person to tok to cos we understand where we are coming from n she gave me an insight on how FREE n GDD a TEACHER-LESS n stress free life is...but i dunno...there is jus sth holding me back...like stoppin me from quittin to teach..it aint all abt the money...there is just this strong urge preventing me from doing it...call it intuition or wadeva else...its jus hard to explain and neglect...so tts y im still there i guess despite wakin up at the unholy hour of 515 everyday!..im sooo NOT a mornin person...well its a learning experience i suppose...

but yea ive been grateful for how this week outside sch has gone soo far...=)) i had such a gd time meetin up wif diff frens everyday...tt even tho im DEAD tired now...id do it all over again..=)

jus a gentle reminder to myself..:note to self: reallly place NOOOO expectation wadsoeva n sooo do NOT get ya hopes up cos they are prob gonna get crushed as always..heh..

anyway, my eyes are half closin right now...so im off to slumberland...where hopefully i get to create everythin...=) yay! okie tt was sooo random...hahha

2007-03-15T19:12:00.000+08:00

ur testing me...

i hope i dont fail....

new experiences, challenges and opportunities...i dun wanna fall short

i shd hav gone by now...so im sorry...but i promise i will go SOOONNNN...ASAP!...

2007-03-07T10:47:00.000+08:00

Yesterday was a goodd day...

for once in a loonngg while i spent time with myself. it was a day of total Dhiviya-time..hahah not in the self-absorbed-i-need-tonnes-of-attention sorta way..but more in the its- time -i -pampered- myself -and- gave -myself- some- attetntion -so -i can-be- at- one- with- myself kinda way...n it was great...therapeutic even..=D

it started off with me returning back to my favourite best-est school of all...CEDAR! haha...i saw and met up most of my old teachers who were still there and avaliable to talk to me...it was nice..mdm faridah has still stayed the same bubbly sacarstic self as she always was...mr omar the same...and mr ronnie goh, the same concerned and caring form teacher and great person to go to 4 advise for...even tho my phy completely sucked, he was a gd teacher n still is..=DD it was extremely nice and i got that nice warm fuzzy feeling all over again..the sorta feelin u get when you are in the company of those who GENUINELY care about you and ur well-being....i still love tt sch...from the remaining trees tt stand there now...even tho there were much more last time..to the canteen drink store aunty to all the teachers...its simply blissful perrrrfffeeeccctttiiiooonnnn...=))

then, as i was walkin out, i met jolene goh, and chatted with her for abit..it was nice catching up with her as well...

then i made my way down to Holland V for a facial!...hahah at the thought of me sounding like a spoilt bimbo...i paid for this outta my own cash and arranged one for my mum...if only she'd stop procastinating and go for it...it was sooooo relazing..i love Joana..she is like the BEST beautician/facial person i have ever known...well actualy she is the ONLY one i know..but still i dun think there can be any1 better...it was soooo gd...i fell asleep halfway...hahah n she gives GREAT massages! hahaha

then, my sis wanted to eat...so since i was at Holland V i told her to tell my mum to meet us there...n i brought them to my all time favourite place to eat there...the roof top terrace...its EX..but i LOOOOVVVEEE the ambience..food is alright...its mainly italian which i loovvee...but it could be better...but i simply love the setting...its HIGHLY ROMANTIC!!..the kinda location that makes a superfically perfect date...hahah but oh well it was nice seeing my mum n sis take to the setting like i did...so aft a VERY FILLING dinner, we set home...where i watched "Take the lead" before sleepin like a newly refreshed individual who is at peace with herself and her surroundings..=)) man i really needed a break like this...hahah=DDD

2007-03-04T20:22:00.000+08:00

=))) thank you!

in a million years, there are no other words to describe it...=))))

2007-03-01T15:13:00.000+08:00

i suck at my job
im a faliure at what n everything i do
someone pls help me....

2007-02-25T11:25:00.000+08:00

i ripped this off Vernie's blog...

its been a long time since i let sth appeal to the hopeless romantic hidden in me...hahah so yea enjoy!

I do not love you by Pablo Neruda

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way

that this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

ahhh....spanish poetry...melts my heart...now play some nice spanish tunes on an acoustic guitar to accompany this on a nice balcony creeping with vines facing the waves hitting the vast shoreline under the benevolent moonlit sky.....ahhhhhhhhhh....perfection..=P

2007-02-22T17:59:00.000+08:00

If I....

if i were to be thankful..there would be many things i would be thankful for...a family that is there, friends who care, a job as a great temporary distraction and mask for uncertainty, a life i can say has been worth living for thus far, relationships that despite not working out i am still thankful for...ahhh the irony of it all is that you only realise your thankful when your deep down under and thats your only saving grace...to look back and say ur thankful for the life you have and the life you hav lead thus far...

i know not what is going to happen next. my life seems to progress in phases. it opens and it closes. i believe i am the closin stage of one and hence the melancholy desires. i want so much more but as life has taught me the more i want the less ill get..so now i can only hope and pray that perhaps GOD can help me or grant me some lea way in the followin..

1. for the dear st pats boys of 2T2 n 3N2 to clear their english exam tomolo and clear it well...
2. for the all of 2N1 2N2 n 2E5 boys to clear lit even tho i think its a tough paper..
3. for reka's toe to be CURRREEEDD for like FOREVER!
4. for her diabetes to vanish. i dun care how jus vanish. DISAPPEAR...POOF! GOOONEEE!!
5. for me to have the strength to accept whatever outcome and whatever else lies ahead.
6. for me to be a stronger person to face each day with a new sense of spunk..
7. for him to find someone SOOO much n WAAAYYy better than me...cos im sure he can..im undeserving
8.for my life to stop being a roller-coaster ride...but then again where's the fun of living in tt i guess...so maybe to just have the guts to stomach it n face it head-on
9. for my parents to reconcile their hopelessly damaged beyond repair relationship so that at least in old age they can have companionship...for my dad to leave that BITCH of a woman whom he probably never will...but at least for my parents to have companionship in old age..
10. for me to finally run, seek solace and fade into total and complete blissful oblivion in your arms! damnit..
11. for me to have MORE patience to deal with the unreasonable demands of people.
12. for me to stop questioning and physco analysing some people and just accept that sometimes that's jus the way people are.
13. for me to realise and accept the idea that things will and SHALL play out for the best accordingly to the grand design of things.
14. for me to meet someone soooo whacked out n crazzy n irrational as me where spontaneity n fun go hand in hand with rational thoughts...(tho expecting such a combi aint very sane or rational at all)...haha wadeva im weird..
15. for me to get angry convincingly so the boys at school will listen to me..lol i cant seem to do this very well..cos aft pretending to get angry i always smile or laugh...its weird i know..but it seems testosterone driven boys only respond well to anger threats or scoldin in school...now YYY?? i will nv know..but please cant they jus listen? so tt i dun feel so much of a faliure as a teacher at the end of the day...haha oh well...its hard for me to get angry at any1...n even in the rare times i do i jus go completely silent..cos i feel there is nothing more worth sayin...but well tt backfires in class u noe cos then u completely go non-exsistant..=P

okie the last 2 sounded lame...it sounds emo, but im not. im just in a complacent yet strangely thankful mood cos honestly i am thankful. and grateful beyond words. but im jus waiting for this chapter to end so that a new spark appears again. do all endings gotta be so melancholy?

the path of least resistance is a path hard ridden. yet tt is all i desire. like i said to simply fade away into complete and blissful oblivion....

2007-01-20T13:39:00.000+08:00

so i havent blogged in a while..

feels like ive been living in a limbo...ive decided to let it all go with the flow..like an untamed free spirit i shall scour the horizons far and wide with companionship not too far aside might i add..at times in the misty fog, delusions devour, leaving me devoid of all fevour...but still as these misconceptions and uncertainty fade and break away, new emotions and realisations start to sway..it exciting and yet so daunting..the peril of prerequsites on loggerheads with the thrill of new conquests..a muddled fantasy, a disillusioned reality- at times it may be, yet perhaps the underlying current of eternal hope undeterred is the driving force of it all..

2007-01-09T02:51:00.000+08:00

ive let it all go...i dun care no more...so be it..its in UR hands..its fated...it always has been n will be...wadeva has to happen will happen according to UR will...tho i will n i say again NEVER understand it, tt's the way of life-tt's the way it has to be. no amount of tears shed or feelings of emptiness will salvage it.so into oblivion i fade, a non-existant future where the future in itself is unknown n untold....the sad grim of reality...to u i forever bade farewell n yet i plegde my undyin devotion...confused misconceptions? i quite frankly know not.but in UR arms i seek but only sweet carres...

2007-01-02T23:10:00.000+08:00

so its the new yr!

haha i think it started off pretty well. suprisingly!

i met up wif vernie n man after soo many yrs..since sec1 nth has changed! yay! i mean lotsa stuff has happened over the yrs but it seemed like the old times even tho over the past two years we haven been really able to meet up often. it was sooo nice.

we had a total girl's night out and i stayed over at her place..haha the 1st time i had a sleep over at her place in her new condo. man her house is really nice butt supperr farrr...hahah the east is jus plain ulu for me..haha =P

n then we went clubbing to MOS..haha tt was really fun too..haha vernie is just really good company to have and yup i had a reeeaaallllyyy ggooodd time. =D n so did she! so we are a bunch of happy girls who were so tired by the time we got home that we fell asleep till 2pm today! woken up by hunger jus in time for the very nice fish porridge her parents bought for us! =D...

we should seriously do this more often. and its good to know that amongst the certainty and consistency of change there are some things that like wine grew better wif age! =DD

2007-01-01T17:23:00.000+08:00

so its 2007!

HAPPY NEW YR TO ALL!=D

hmm well , its tt time of yr again. but i never made resolutions b4 so im not gonna break tradition and start again this year. i prefer to live each day as it comes, rather than plan n predict for sth to happen and then feel sad that it doesnt. so yup no resolutions for me this yr..yet again!

so a whole yr has passed. i wouldn say it was a great yr but it wasnt a horrid yr either. it was the yr i grew up. it was the yr i found myself. it was the year God helped me to sift out the trash in my life so that im left with gem like friends whom i shall honestly treasure forever. people come into your life for a reason and they leave for a reason too. in a matter of perception it can all be looked at positively. light can be shed, and last year that was exactly what i learnt to do.

there were many interesting events tt happened last year, and i for one looking back on it now regret nothin. i dont wanna change anything or do anything differently, because every decision ive made has made me the person i am today and i told myself someday id live with no regrets and lo and behold! looking back now i really have absolutely no regrets what-so-ever..haha n it feels good. free. liberation.

so here's to a yr in which i grew up and think have gained in maturity and the way i look at life. its different. i feel its a better way. one where everything is honest, crystal clear and i know exactly what im doing or how im feeling. i like the feeling of being in control of myself rather than lettin outside influences affect me. i think in a way its because i found myself. i see the person im becoming and yes lotsa changes can be made as i strive to be a person that im proud of looking in the mirror and that others can go to for just about anything.

a new yr means new possiblities, new opportunites, an unexpected turn in the realm we call destiny. but either way with a little faith, trust and karma, and doing whats right and best, bring on 2007 a day at a time and i know the man up there will never let me go. falter i might but fall flat id never with an invisible guiding hand that well never lets go, but instead helps u to let go of things u probably should for ur own well being and good. amazing.

all the best to all! =)

2006-12-27T17:06:00.000+08:00

so im finally legal..at long last..hahah

THANK U EVERYONE who made it so special n nice...

from all the smses to testimonials to presents and more importantly company and dinner and waffles, THANK U all sooo sooo much!

haha im one to be easily pleased and yes i was and currently am beyond contended...so thank u all once again. i realllly realllly appreciate it..

a fren of mine said how come ppl sms u so late like at 8pm...but i told him that really its the thought above anything else that counts..=D sooo yes im glad..

okie im off to attend a dinner party of my dad's fren...

suprisingly i took no photos..hahha but oh well..its a new yr ahead n many more pics await to be taken..

even tho it rained the whole day yest...i still had a gd time..haha so yes what more could i possibly ask for? =D

2006-12-16T12:58:00.000+08:00

so lotsa things have happened since i last blogged...been neglecting my blog cos ive jus been plain lazy...and after a while, gg out wif ppl and catching up wif them comes up to be pretty random and boring to write about tho by no means is the company boring, dun get me wrong...

anyway, there was prom,. which was nice, every1 looked so glam and lotsa pictures were taken. the food was alright too. post prom was really very fun tho. i enjoyed every bit of it =P

then the next major thing was tt my dad finally booked a budget flight to bangkok! whee! hahah its my first flight in 18 yrs...so im glad..( tho i havent turned 18 yet). bangkok was really good 4 shopping...all the stuff is nice, and cheap. just the way i like it..=) the food there was really good too...tom yum, spring rolls, pineapple rice and so much more...it was scumptious i tell u..

but what i liked more abt the whole trip was the atmosphere. sure u have ur pickpockets, gays and trans in thailand, but the people there are generally warm towards each other. they dun get angry so fast, they are patient, accomodating and they are there to help each other out without the after thought that by helping some1 else they would be at a loss. i guess it really is the land of a thousand smiles, genuine ones might i add. its like a complete contrast to society here, where it is incresingly becoming self centered and superficial.

actually the time in bangkok set me off thinking about travel, work and how much one can do to really help others. well my lifelong dream is to become really rich not for myself but so that whenever sum1 needs my help i can offer it readily without refusing them and of course offer my help to those who need it. cos i hav been in the position where ppl hav asked for my help and as much as i really want to help them i cant, all i can do is offer some form of substitute help tt doesnt solve their problem and quite frankly tt breaks my heart. so this shall not be the case in the future. its all abt giving back and giving to others. material wealth to me doesnt define richness, in fact it defies it. the richness of one's heart is wad is true wealth. hence when i do become really rich sumday, id give anything and everythingg my sis wants to her, buy my parents a nice house off the coast of spain and let them live there and go around the world helping needy kids and orphans. sumtimes the richness of the heart can be attained with material wealth as a catalyst. a symbiotic relationship. one where these two elements coexist without mutual exclusion.

now if sum1 actually understood wad i was sayin, id be highly impressed...=P

2006-12-15T14:34:00.000+08:00

so maybe the times of tide have changed.
swept across the great horizons, i may not be the unpolished shell i once was.
but still it feels deep within me, the shell's the same
unwavered by the salty seas or stormy skies, i stand certain with perhaps a more well tarnished exterior but the same old intricate interior if only u would be patient and unjudgemental enough to see and discover.

the same old interior that questions inscently about happenings, about the trials and tribulations that torment others and the need, practicality and the justice behind it all,
for this old interior simply cannot understand the unjust plague that overcomes the loyal, true and admirable,
it cannot understand the ways of the all mighty, even though it hands its undying trust and faith to it,
this old interior cares not for itself as much as it does others who deserve and are very much worthy of its care and love,
for it is for these few that it will and can do almost anything, and hence it continues to question and search endlessly, as to why the unjust befall those unworthy of this phlight,
it seeks out to ask for some compassion, for some self relief, for some slackening in the ways of cruelty that surround this world upon these preciuous, undeniably examplary few,
deep down, this shell knows that its questions will never be answered but it can only long and hope and pray that perhaps the tides may change again, and steer these very much loved few onto a path were suffering and pain is but a distant figment of their own past and present imagination.

admist it all this shell is grateful for what it has.
with undying and unfulfilled dreams it hopes and longs for more to come and happen but still it is content with its exsistance,
for its exsistant joy is independent and devoid of pretensious fallacies and flaws and mind games,
a more matured exsistance has come to value the value of the present, the magic of here and now rather than, then and forever.
hopes and dreams encompass its future but it is desire to attain them and not desperation that govern its present.
hence for its fortunate exsistance it is content, but for that of the precious gems it simply is discontent and hopes that the faith and believe will sail them across sunny skies and rainbow ridden dreams.

2006-11-23T19:45:00.000+08:00

YAYYYYY! its finally ova!..

well i don really wanna talk much abt it except tt i tink i postively absolutely surely screwed up maths! argh...i think i was too stressed, stupid or careless...but i couldn care less now anyway...

well after a dreaded loong torturous period...i finally got liberated..n i celebrated it the best way i know how...with gd company n some gd old fashioned shoppin! been soo damn long since i did some retail theraphy..n im really glad cos i bought these 2 gorgeous tops, at a bargain price. yes, i nv fail to get a kick out of discount shopping..makes me feel rich cos i get to have more cash left over..hehe

oh yes n then cos there was spare time..i decided to pamper myself n i got my hair HIGHLIGHTED!! i think the lady did quite a gd job..its copper! tho i think the mum is gonna do a 180 degree flip when she sees it..oh well..she technically cant say much since i saved up my pocket money for it..so its kinda like my money tho not quite..okie i should stop rambling now..im quite happy with the outcome..n oh yes i think she gave a killer head n shoulder massage while she was at it..haha now tt's wad i call service..a massage was exactly wad i needed..;)

anyway, im off to dinner with dad..man this feels good...

now if only my dad hadnt returned the band of brothers dvd set to his fren, i could be watching i now all over again from disc 1...i must say to those who haven watched this HBO series u absolutely most positvely should..cos its damn gd! its a war show...but its a war show like none other..

oh yes n i intend to get a job..where or how i know not..but we'll see..

2006-10-21T10:28:00.000+08:00

omg blogger deleted my post! haihz anyway...lotsa things have happened recently..

SENIORS FAREWELL

THANK U THANK U THANK U all my lovely darling juniors...for the sentimental farewell..the dinner at fish n co glasshouse and for the lovely long thank u notes n well wishes...i tell u i almost ALMOST cried when i read ur lovely notes thanking me and wishing me well...i was soooo touched la..haha THANK U ALL!!!!! i shall treasure u all forever

FAREWELL ASSEMBLY

i took lotsa pics with ppl n teachers n frens..haha was nice..i think pics are nice.cos u can always look back on them laugh n reminisnce the good times..haha..

ESPLANADE CONCERT - PARABELO & LECUONA

yes we were in need of severe destress so sarah n i went to esplanade to watch this concert..OMG ITS SOOOOOOO DAMN GOOD!!..the ending with the dancing couples in black n white n the mirrors...OMG IT WAS PURELY MAGICAL i tell u..like in a fantasy..i LOVED IT! sarah n i decided to live the hi-life for a while..hahah we ate at thai express at esplanade...damn nice i tell u the ambience was even better...facing the spore river with live band..now if onli we were richer we would have tried the wine cafe..haha..den we ate at max bremer for dessert...everyone simply MUST try the chocolate there..its to DIE FOR! haha the crowd was really high class..alot of rich middle aged ang moh guys..haha they even served champagne and wine during the intermission la! but since it was so EX 18 bucks a glass...we decided to pass on it..haha i had a great destressing time...but now i feel stressed again..=(=( ARGH!

Performance!:)

2006-10-06T19:18:00.000+08:00

i feel slightly recharged today. i went for electone. and it felt good. cos i had the whole studio to myself and ms kom, finally stopped nitpickin at my playin so i just let it all out..and man did it feel gd. exhilarating. from copacabana to slow song ive never been to me to love's theme to my all time fav but difficult song to play pirates of the carribean. mannnnn it really reallllyy felt gd..n i blasted it real loud...i tink it was a refreshin break.

oh yes ive decided to take a vow...one tt i intend to keep..n one that i believe my faith and believe will be strong enough to hold it true. because it has to.else i know not else what to do. n if it doesnt work, then i tink the man up there really ought to rethink his plan. challenges are fine. ill take them any day. jus dont go round imposing them on the ppl i care abt and especially not one after another on the same person. its cruel and inhumane. hence this vow, cos i ultimately believe that my faith n belive and trust is strong enough, it has yet to let me down, so it CANT let me down this time by letting another person down.

2006-09-28T00:20:00.000+08:00

Shells of silence trapped within me..each silent filled with more than one silenced thought or supressed emotion. one day it shall all explode..but for now ill weave it all into a necklace i shall never wear. never again. n lock it up in a pandora's box which i hope the day will never come when i have to open it.

i have a bad habit of chucking things aside keeping them all bottled up inside, choosing to look beyond it rather than at it n resolving it at the moment. nevermind. i have more important things to do. one shell to be burned at a time. and right now i know which is the most important.

enough. its all over. it FINALLY is. i was waiting for when it would end cos honestly it probably was too good to be true. or i chose to neglect the reality of it all. and it is no different from the rest. just the same. as always.

as for u..u chose a path i do not approve of..but wads done is done. and if u choose to carry on in this other sub path uve chosen on top of the wrong path uve tread upon, then honestly i couldnt care less cos two wrongs dont make a right.. tho it hurts..the delayed aftermath of it all.

the most important shell i have to burn and shatter is that of my own self believe. im startin to hate the word believe..cos whats the point of believing in something that really isnt there to begin with. like i said i make a pact with myself here n now..noo more..shells must be burnt at the stake. to hell with it all..the demise has yet to be..a faltered waver of hope aint the rise of a continued demise.

hmmm i dont think any1 understood this. its okie. i dont expect you to anyway..

2006-09-25T14:25:00.000+08:00

POST PRELIM FIASCO FINALE !

okie sadly, the post prelim fiasco of mine has ended..but i must say a cetain things have really dampened the mood...nvm that shall be set aside for now...

i still have sads bdae suprise i wanna blog about tt happened yest, but i dun have the pics yet..so quick send me! hahah

anyway, i shall blog about my dad's convocation today. may not seem like much really but oh well my dad's a graduate at 49! lol..it seemed really really important to him n i know it meant alot to him...so my sis n i took extra effort to look nice..lol there were alot of people there..n yea u can just tell it really meant alot to them from the way their families showed up lookin their best, with full support and all..and there was this couple who were soo sweet la..i mean really the husband was so good to his wife la..man next time i wanna husband like that too..not mr hotstuff but still the sincerity and love and honesty is there..n seriously u can smell it a mile away..so yup i was touched by tt..haha

okie now for pics... (being the absolute cam whore i am..lol =D)

Mummy and us!
Thatha and us! (1st pic)

Cam Whores (lol but i loveeee my shoes...hehe)

and...my all time favourite pics..family!! =) rare tho to actually have a family pic of mine..when every1 is actually together..

oh n another climax to the day was that when i returned home i saw my neighbours who had recently migrated to australia..so sad that they sold their house already..they returned cos uncle cyril had a business meeting or something to tt extent..so i grabbed the opportunity to steal a pic with them before they go off for good. i looovveee their kid, matilda..she's soo adorable and cute and she laughs in such an adorable way i swear ur heart will melt each time u see her..i used to babysit her when she was much much younger..actually for a short while only la when her parents needed to go buy stuff urgently..she'sss sooo sweet..she's gonna be a heartbreaker when she grows up i tell u..dutch and indian blood..definite blend of gorgeous..haha =)

okie...i think ive had enuff of cam whoring for a day as adrian tan would put it..=)))

2006-09-24T23:59:00.000+08:00

the truth has finally been spoken. i instigated it. but really i feel so indifferent. maybe cos its built up disappointment inside of me. i do badly with conflict and confrontation. i hate them. i become loserish in those times..cos most of the time i dont say anything, for the very fact that i feel there is nothing to say and no point or use in saying it. not that im condonin the act or tt i am wrong, just that i feel the truth will speak for itself and the guilt will come out. u reap what u sow and what goes around comes around. i hate being lied to. but then again if i didnt expect people not to lie to me then i wouldnt feel disappointment. so really its boils down once again to the main thing expectations. all i have to do is to expect NOTHING from ANYONE and i wont be disppointed. oh and another thing, all men lie...in fact every1 does. the truth in this world is a kaleidoscope of hope hidden behind the foggy mist of deception and reality. resolution no 2: together with keeping my simple uncomplicated utopia..my utopia shall evolve to include the least of expectations from any1..expecting nothing is inhuman..so yup minimal expectations. minimal expectations= minimal dissapointment. we'll see if the equation holds true.

2006-09-24T14:40:00.000+08:00

POST PRELIM FIASCO PART 3

oh well...yest reka and i went shoppin around nearly the whole of town. we decided to skip orchard n cine since we both had been there 4 the past 2 days or so..so we decided to got to city hall...thru city link to raffles place...to bugis, bugis street and much more..and i didnt spend a single cent on myself! yay! cos reka wanted to buy an outfit for appa's convocation which is like tomolo...so yea she paid for her hot top and skirt so i had to sponsor her shoes la..but its okie la..wad else are sister's for? plus she wanted this jack skellington handbag thingy although i really dont know what's her long lasting obsession with mr skellington..lol anyway, after shoppin so much and me not buyin a single thing for myself..which im very glad off..we got home and i made pasta! we decided to eat home to save money..haha...i tink tt stemmed from the guilt of buyin too much stuff..but its okie la its like once in a while only...ohh yes we had wine too..haha my dad's friend had given him wine so we decided to have it. and honestly, wine with pasta and cheese anytime anyday, makes you feel good. like ur leading the hi-life temporarily. nvm someday, ill actually be able to afford it all..muahhahhaha though for now that just seems like a high expectation, not materialising anytime soon..

oh yes, i realised sth yest on a personal level. i realised how very insecure i was last year. i was insecure about so many things though my friends say i didnt quite show it. but now i feel different, a tad but more secure. i tink insecurity and self doubt are my inner demons. i need to overcome them. but looking back on last year and even early this year, i feel soooo much more secure and fulfilled then i started off. and im glad for the change. i believe that there is probably more than 1 contributing factor to this.. but i dont really care what it is..just as long as i dont loose this sense of self believe, security and self satisfaction. i felt it slip away alittle yesterday and today even, but i shant let wad has happened affect my this. i dont really want to be the person i was last year..not that i was mean, putting up a sharade or anything, its just tt i realised a part of me, within me always made me feel dumb, insecure and incomplete last year, and i realised no one can make u feel that way except yourself. so yes, im sure as hell not gonna let this feeling fade. things all happen for a reason. the cosmic balance ultimately wants you to succeed..or so people claim. i choose to belive so..with the addition that it is u urself who ultimately is the pilot of your own life...

2006-09-22T20:07:00.000+08:00

POST PRELIM FIASCO PART 2!

yay! life is good..haha keeps gettin better...except tt i tink im fallin sick! urgh NOW! wad a time to...

BUT

anyway today i met up with derric, ashley n charis n we went for lunch at pepper lunch! 1st time i ate there...okie super suaku i know..but the price abit ex la...i rather spend the cash on other stuff =P haha anyway, i had this pepper salmon rice...wahhhhhh damn nice la..haha jap food..but i think the thing tt made it all better was the company...so fun suannin ash...ASHLYN! hahah..his whole face turned red..lol oh man...it was damn fun and yea it was all gd..

den ashley left, charis n i had this new zealand ice cream thingy forgot the name...but it was nice too...n derric had fried mars bar..nice too..but tooooo super sweet..haha den we were bored cos we didn know what to do or where to go..haha so we just roamed n stoned around...but still it was fun..we tot of going to balcony bar chill out thingy from 3pm onwards but since derric didn want to sponsor we didnt...lol actually its just that the price is too ex la...but yes the balcony bar does hold some very very nice memories...haha

oh so then i left with charis...n we went to j8 cos she needed to fetch her sis..my mum so happened to call me at tt time..saying she was on her way back n if i wanted a lift so like DUH i said yes la...but while waiting..i saw this lovely lovely GORGEOUS pair of shoes at charles n keith..its the sort where u can tie the strap up your leg...soooo sexy la..haha can wear it for appa's convocation on mon! haha..oh n i saw this damn nice studded necklace too...so yea base on pure impulse i bought both! haha but it was okie cos it was ALL on discount n under 50 bucks...so technically i have spent th 100 bucks appa gave me WITHOUT touchin my allowance! YAY!!..=D tho the lunch today can b from my allowance la..haha =P

retail theraphy, good company, great friends n yea gd conversation...ahhh the essence of making a happy me! haha =P

especially good conversation..i mean who cares if its crapping or suannin...as long as its stimulating and there...im glad...i hate long awkward silences where then u have to make up things to say...i hate those really...annoyin cos if im not in a very gd mood, i will get tired of making up things to say..haha

yay i wonder wads install for me tomolo...like i was tellin sads the other day....my brain works on a fun-o-meter...it SOOO needs to be recharged for long term sustainability...i cant wait for the weekend..haha

As a great wise poet once said..."Ah make the most of what we yet may have before we too into the dust descend"

2006-09-21T22:38:00.000+08:00

POST PRELIMS FIASCO!

today was the BEST day ive had in a while...after a screwy bio mcq in which i jus couldn concentrate so i know i screwed it up....i had an absolutely GREAT day in town!

i met meredith n we walked, talked and shopped. n i bough a cool new CHEAP bag! hahah YAY!...n she bought her arashi stuff...it was SOOO fun i tell u...catching up with old friends..good coversation, good company n retail theraphy...all the successful ingredients u need to feel happy n high! YAY! hahah

then i met up wif charis...n it was townin part 2! hahah we went to taka n all the designer boutiques just to look, comment, criticse all the clothes wewould nv buy..hahha n yes we ate the most amazing chocolate cake ive had in a while...i feel the fats already...but yea today was ABSOLUTELY great...n hav great friends to thank for tt!..thanks for the drink meredith n cake charis..cos i was embarrasingly -$2.30 in debt...which is really a rare thing cos i seldom go broke or worse still below $0.00. anyway, thanks so much...debts shall be repaid..

yay! i feel so high n chilled out now..=D

2006-09-20T12:29:00.000+08:00

yest was so fun! haha..

the econs pp was AS USUAL HORRID HORRID haihz...i wonder y im still taking it...nvm wadeva la..

anyway, i came home n decided to sleep it off till like 4pm..den my sis came home from her bio prac n she was depressed cos she said she scrwed up the experiment..n she said hey shall we go out for a while since both of us got no pp today...
n..quite frankly she took the words outta my brain cos tt was exactly wad i wanted to do! haha so we went for a mini retail theraphy escapade..even tho we were supposed to do tt onli after the exams! haha..n we spent 50 bucks each on a grand total of 5 tops! lol but they were nice..n appa was so nice to give us each 100 bucks more..usually he NEVER does tt..but oh well we were all just glad..haha man...i cant wait for tomolo for prelims to end. i swear i will go out EVERY SINGLE day after tt! haha i already made plans to meet up with all my old friends whom i haven seen in a while! and at the risk of sounding so bimbo..i now got new clothes to wear as well! hahah tomolo had better come faster!! hahahah

2006-09-09T14:12:00.000+08:00

The World
by Henry Vaughan

I saw Eternity the other night
Like a great Ring of pure and endless light,
All calm as it was bright ;
And round beneath it, Time, in hours, days, years,
Driven by the spheres,
Like a vast shadow moved, in which the world
And all her train were hurled.
The doting Lover in his quaintest strain
Did there complain ;
Near him, his lute, his fancy, and his flights,
Wit’s sour delights ;
With gloves and knots, the silly snares of pleasure ;
Yet his dear treasure
All scattered lay, while he his eyes did pour
Upon a flower.

The darksome Statesman hung with weights and woe,
Like a thick midnight fog, moved there so slow
He did nor stay nor go ;
Comdemning thoughts, like sad eclipses, scowl
Upon his soul,
And clouds of crying witnesses without
Pursued him with one shout.
Yet digged the mole, and, lest his ways be found,
Worked under ground,
Where he did clutch his prey ; but One did see
That policy.
Churches and altars fed him, perjuries
Were gnats and flies ;
It rained about him blood and tears, but he
Drank them as free.

The fearful Miser on a heap of rust
Sat pining all his life there, did scarce trust
His own hands with the dust ;
Yet would not place one piece above, but lives
In fear of thieves.
Thousands there were as frantic as himself,
And hugged each one his pelf.
The downright Epicure placed heaven in sense
And scorned pretence ;
While others, slipped into a wide excess,
Said little less ;
The weaker sort, slight, trivial wares enslave,
Who think them brave ;
And poor despisèd Truth sat counting by
Their victory.

Yet some, who all this while did weep and sing,
And sing and weep, soared up into the Ring ;
But most would use no wing.
‘O fools’, said I, ‘thus to prefer dark night
Before true light,
To live in grots, and caves, and hate the day
Because it shows the way,
The way which from this dead and dark abode
Leads up to God,
A way where you might tread the sun, and be
More bright than he.’
But as I did their madness so discuss,
One whispered thus,
This Ring the Bridegroom did for none provide
But for his Bride.

This poem seems to strike me alot, especially so recently. my favourite being the opening.the 17th century was an ingenious one i must say. but i suppose the novelty of medivial pleasure will wear off over time, even though many of us may be tempted to return back to the so called simple life. although, in my opinion, the simple life was really in terms of its simplistic machinery and not the way people thought or lived, for relationships were just as complex, intentions were probably just as perverse and thoughts just as riddled, for i would say human nature has stood the test of time, where it is people who complex the world and not really the things they create or live with. why cant things be simple and direct? honest simplicity. now that would be my utopia.

hmmm i wonder whats with the sudden change of my entries. must be the exams. should have taken lit instead of econs. oh well..my disillusioned utopia here i come for from now on, im going to make things as simple and as un-complex as i possibly can. life's too short waiting and spent wasting ,deciphering out coded signals. ahhh..the honest joy of true simplicty in perfect motion =)

2006-09-08T14:57:00.000+08:00

"To-morrow, and to-morrow, and to-morrow,
Creeps in this petty pace from day to day,
To the last syllable of recorded time;
And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle!
Life's but a walking shadow; a poor player,
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage,
And then is heard no more:
it is a taleTold by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing."
--From Macbeth (V, v, 19)

ahhh....the essence of life encapsulated in a prose so worthy of the praise of everlasting eternity...

hahah okie i tink ive rambled on enough..=X

2006-08-31T21:22:00.000+08:00

okie..i realised i havent updated in quite a while already...

well i guess im stressed...i think every1 is..but yea expectations wearing down..and yet i feel so guilty cos the whole of last weekend i wasted it..well not actually wasted, it was good, its just tt it was unproductive.

well on sat, my dad's colleagues came over. and yes be proud of me...i resisted temptation to not take a single drop of vodka..haha i tink my dad was super shocked..lol..but well its will power..when i set to do something i will do it..=) anyway, i think his colleagues are really cool and im glad tt my dad has such gd frens to lean on in his workplace.

well i would say the highight of my week would be sunday. cos i met up with a fren whom i havent seen in a while. we went to senstosa beach. gosh i havent been there in like ages. n it was nice. sun, sand, sea, wine and cheese..haha it was all gd..=) but yea jus meant tt the day flew back without me doing anythin productive.

ive been really tired this week. i dunno y. n its been raining! n i simply LOVE the rain!. soo nice to sleep. other than that, i love the smell of rain n even gettin wet in it. =) so yea.. n now im bloggin..haha although i dont have much to say really. hmm..teachers day was kinda boring in nj. short tho. i gave stuff to mrs nair, cos to me, she's like one of the few teachers in nj who deserves it for she truly cares about her students. and she reads them well too. she has given me invaluable advice on many things i didn even consult her on which are not work related. so yea it means alot to me. hmm couldn find mrs ng tho.

oh ya i invited my aunt over for dinner today. cos my parents went for some teachers day rally thing, and i made dinner. i sorta happen to make extra so i invited my aunt over. lol im glad i did. i think she was super suprised and taken aback by it..but oh well...hope it wasnt crappy.

haihz..i think i shall go sleep now.. my bed should be cold n cosy by now. and i can pretend its like winter or like im in some foreign country where its snowing! haha well what can i say, when ur deprived of the real thing, fantasies gotta be a substitue, no matter how lame..=P

2006-08-19T09:16:00.000+08:00

KARMA IN MOTION

here's to a man who was great. who was more than godlike. he was human and yet embodified the epitome of god-likeness. heres to my uncle whom i treasured n loved the most among all my other half baked fake and retarded relatives. the only uncle i actually got along with. the only uncle who passed away yest in msia at the ripe young age of 53.

i shall dedicate this post to him, whereever he is and as lame, corny or cliche as this sounds. but yes, it must be done. for a man like him is a rare find like a shining diamond amongst coal filled caves. in the little town of ipoh when i used to visit him, he was infamous. not because he was rich or powerful but for the exact opposite reason. he was poor and yet powerful due to the respect he gained from people. he was known in the largely cantonese filled town of ipoh as "fei loong" (excuse the spelling) meaning black dragon as no matter what happened come waht may if any1 had a problem he would be there. and i dont just mean being there for the people he knew. he was they for every damn guy deserving of it or not, for any random stranger or tom, dick or harry. if the person needed a job, he would get the guy his dream job cos like i said he was well linked being the 'black dragon' and l...and yet he continued working only for telekoms as a technician climbing into man holes and what not fixing telephone lines.

i rmb when we used to go and eat, he used to bring us to the best road side stalls, where the kuay teow was hevenly i swear. and just because we were with him, we would get extra stuff and even plates free, because he had helped the kuay teow uncle in one way or another, he didnt say what. that was him, he would help sooo many people and not say what he did or brag on about it. in coffeshops when we went, we would see random chinese guys buying him bottles of beer and sending them to our table jus because they knew him. i felt so safe when i was with him. like even tho i was in a foreign land and didn know malay or cantonese i was safe and sure id be able to go anywhere and hav a gd time. aunties would come thrust their kids on his lap because he probably saved their kids from illnesse by giving them money. although dont be misled he had no cashh of his own and lived in a kampong old tattered down house and old crumbling motorbike he never let me ride on cos he knew it was spoilt but nonetheless he drove it. so what wd he do? he would go and loan cash, borrow so as to pay off other ppl's debts. and when i asked him y? he wd jus say its the right thing to do and we do what we can...of cos this said in tamil makes a way harder impact. and he was poor not because he was lazy or a drunk, but because he spent his life payinf off OTHER ppl's debts. ungrateful consiousless ppl who didn have the decency to repay thier own debts and rather let him take on the burden without any guilt and by debts i mean HUGE amts like 1000s of RM. and i wd always say y dont u ask the ppl back for the money?? since it was a loan afterall..n he wd be like no they have to pay it out of their own will. and then there was this once where this guy was supposed to pay him the next day but died and my uncle didn have the heart to tell the family anything so there he was left clearing ua a RM5000 debt WITH interest.

my dad and him were like brothers. and when my dad used to send him cash tohelp him out FOR himself. he wd donate it to the temple so the people at the temple can eat food. and he took not a penny for himself. such a man he was. a great GREAT man, whom i can honestly say in his whole entire life received NOT a single CURSE for any1 not even from his enemies because even they didn hav the heart to do that because he was THAT gd a person. he was unappreciated and at times ill treated by the many he helped and at times he wd tell me abt tt when he was a little high, but yet that never deterred him from helping others.

i mean seriously, when i followed him to the wet mkt, from the fish aunty to the vegetable guy, they all gave me free stuff jus cos i was with him and you know as boderline beng-ish as it sounds they wd say if u ever need anythin jus mention "fei loong" and we wd help you. it was the 1st time in my life i ever saw such things other than in the movie.

he used to treat my sis and i like the daughters he never had and i loved him for that. he used to advise me about all sorts of things from prayer to boys in very open liberal convos. and he wd ALWAYS b there for me and always STIll will.

i guess its true what they say gd men die young. but in a way, it is a blessing in disguise. he no longer needs to live a poor, hardship filled lives, trying to make ends meet. i mean thinking abt it logically in a few yrs time, given the HORRID HYPOCRATIC nature of man, he would be left with no one. no family cos my family is so politically wapped and retarded. sure i wd b more than willing to support him but it wd still hurt him in some way or other. so its best he left this way, to a better place and i hope his death was a peaceful painless one which im sure it was. he had met in a motorcycle accident a few days ago, yet he was able to walk and the docs said he was fine. then yest or sth like tt they said he had water in his lungs and then at 6pm the same day or so he died.

i was shocked initally when i heard the news but yes i spent time with him and during those times we were all happy and that is what matters. now it rare we ever get to meet such a selfless man.who helped others but never himself, who gave of himself but rarely received anything. its karma in motion and this is his reward. i loved him and so did many more random people because his heart was so pure it was shone like gold. im blessed to have known such a man and have his memory etched in me forever. for here is a man who made not footprints in the sand he engraved his legacy in the hearts of millions. n i shall now take the trouble of writing his famous tamil quote. it loosely means fear not for i am here. ( its damn ugly cos i wrote it it paint)

2006-08-06T21:02:00.000+08:00

Sometimes....

sometimes somethings just happen unexpectedly or sometimes you jus knew they were going to happen and you sorta thought that when they did happen ud feel way different. sometimes you do things that feel right in that moment and sometimes you cringe at the after thought. im glad the unexpectedness element of it occured and i dont really regret any of it but yes i do cringe at the afterthought of it. like you know, its not sth that is right nor is it sth tt is wrong, its not sth tt ur okie wif neither is it sth ur not okie wif. okie im rambling. but its true. it a shaded grey area i dun really intend on deciphering out. anyway, i think last evening was nice n a gd change to the monotony of sch my life had slowly slipped into. i cant wait 4 my hols next week.=) n i think mrs nair is the BEST teacher in NJ followed by mrs ng. haha for the very fact that she fulfills the role of a teacher perfectly, through encouragement and fun and oh so bearable fri double periods. haha the definite protaganist to an otherwise "unnamed" antagonist.

2006-08-02T21:32:00.000+08:00

i am feeling, fat, ugly, fat, pimple-fied and down right retarded. ugh! i havent been able to do anything for the past two days cos of blasted flu. feel so stoned most of the day..ugh..fat ugly syndrome here i come...

2006-07-31T19:46:00.000+08:00

The complexity of the human mind

ahh the complexities and perplexing nature of life. it never seizes to amaze, suprise or shock me. the things we expect out of others, out of relationships with anyone and more importantly out of ourseleves. it seems the more we expect, the less easily are we content. the more we seek, the more we feel we never sought. the more we question, the more we feel we never questioned enough. the more we regret, the more we feel we never quite regreted enough and hence think we could have done so much more. the neverending, vicous cycle of filling the voids you thought upon filling would then leave your life devoid of them. not knowing these voids just keep growing deeper with every void you thing u filled.

i think the thing lies with expectations. if we expected someone to be a total jerk den when he or she acted normal, or did something reasonably nice then we would hold them in high regard, and the converse being true. expectations a double edged sword- with the power to propel you along with the potent poison to entrap you. so what do we do then? expect nothing? i dunno. i dun think that's possible, but i think the least we could do is learn to accept the fact expectations come with exceptions and we just have got to accept them. the multitude of emotions we feel when we think we are wronged, isnt justified if they were just born out of our failed expectaions of others or ourselves.

this was so random. oh well...

2006-07-28T14:57:00.000+08:00

time whizzes by..all too fast sometimes. but well the past few days/weeks of sch have been just plain monotonous. but its alright la overall..been sleeping lots..dunno y but just feel damn sleeply. i think the workload we get is waay too much n like im always one step behind of wad i should or can do..

anyway, i met up with krys and amelia last fri. and it was nice. talking crap like always and helping her get a present for her guy classmate. haha i think guys are hard to shop for.girls are waay more easy. i mean how wrong could u go with a reasonably priced necklace, ear ring blah blah. but guys on the other hand- much harder.

im having a bad headache now..must be the dreaded double period friday n its after effects. but oh well..i hope i get to watch the lake house soon. i mean it seems to hav a really gd plot. i need my little outings, with whoever it may be..haha if not ill go crazy even though A's are nearing. it gives me incentive. haha the whole idea of reverse physcology in motion. when u go out u will feel guilty by the time you get back so ur even more motivated to do work.hhahahaha :)

anyway, i think i shall go take a nap.

2006-07-18T22:40:00.000+08:00

Okie i can finally update properly now since my com n blogger is finally working properly..=)

in the previous post i forgot to add that i had met up wif meredith. man..that girl is seriously still as nice and still a very gd fren to have tho we havent met in ages and stuff. yup she was the 1st fren i made in cedar and part of my lower sec life was made enjoyable and memorable cos of her..=D stuff happened along the way but im glad we are all above it..shows how much we have matured and how far we have come huh??=D n we took neoprints! haha so anti climax la we actually ran outta poses which is like soo super rare! haha guess tt explains the fading out of the neoprints and the entry of the digi cam stage! haha =D but yup the neoprints were really nice!

than came the 1st proper week of lessons. sian.boring. tiring. debate was on everyday since nationals were on sat. but it was okie la. i am very proud of all of them who worked so hard and diligently giving their best shot everyway. shit happens. but its the journey n process tt is impt. it is that which is what i will remember and cherish forever..=D yup so well done!

den after the nationals of sat, i went to meet ninny to watch POTC2!! that movie was seriously GOOD!! fantastic!! haha but the only prob was we met at 630 pm cos i ended abt then. Then we walked from lido to cine to ps to cathay n there were NOOOO early seats or time slots and ninny was DESPERATE to watch..tho i suggested we watch on sun instead. so we got the 10 pm show. it was late la so i naturally had explaining to do with my dad. but i called him waay b4 time, early so its all settled with early. i still says this way of honesty works the best. i hate lying to people. so yup the direct approach, take it or leave it thing works best for me. =D oh ya n i met mrs ng! n her husband. they were watching the same show too! haha then she was like so late ur parents allow ah?? then i told her its okie la once in a while, they dont mind..well techincally they do its just tt since i was honest n direct with them they cant say much..=) oh well..then took a cab home n reached onli at 130am.. haha it was quite an experience la..but time seriously flies when im wif ninny. she's just so mad n funny la tho she says im the mad one..haha oh well..n i must seriously kill derric..he said the end of the movie would have a very impt story tellin scene after the credits..so i naturally waited to see it. but guesss wad..it was such a lame scene la..haih then he says his fren told him tt n cheated him so he felt like doing that to others too..-.-" haha oh well..tts derric...

hmmm back to sch again. oh ya n ct results..hmmm i cant say im happy la..i mean my econs is just HORRID HORRID! haihz.. n CHEM too! i really expected to do way better..but aiya the effort really wasnt there so cant complain. anyway, this is depressing. moving on, there is CIP day tomolo..i rmb last yr the kids were so cute..but i still say kuhan is the cutest most adorable kid ive seen so far..the rest pale in comparison.

anyway im sleepy now..so im off!

2006-07-10T20:37:00.000+08:00

okie...i realised i havent updated in ages..haha oh well here goes..

the most significant thing is of cos my sis's 16th bdae!! for which she had 2 parties both of which yours truly was the organiser and a nice un-drama filled family dinner away from a usual kopitiam at a vey nice place called villa bali. trust me it took me a hell lota negotiating skills to get the dinner plan in motion largely because of the cost. but it was a success! YAY! and yup im glad cos she was glad. from the food i cooked 4 her 1st party which was more like a gathering of close friends some of whom were mutual to her bigger one which i just spent the time taking pictures and honestly "babysitting" tho they are certainly waayy too old to be babies to the most perfect dinner my family has had in a waaayyy looonnggg time. yes im glad. im glad my parents played along and that it all ended up fine. haha my dad said it was a nice thing i did doing all that stuff. but i mean whats so special about it?? it seemed so normal to me. i mean its a sweet sixteen. it should be memorable. i cant remember mine probably cos it was crappy. but at least this one was made to be memorable. besides, she's my sister and honestly id do anything 4 her. so yup im glad. villa bali is really such a nice, cosy even romantic place..=D

2006-07-01T19:50:00.000+08:00

After the past month when i was on a perpetual high and honestly having one of the best times of my life.. i feel low all of a sudden. like its all gone. an eeriee forboding emptiness that wreaks the depths of your soul. okie not so severe but more or less. i know its over, though i wish it wasnt, but there are more pressing issues at hand. i need to find my momentum, confidence and security blanket all over again. you know sometimes i hate it how due to certain turn of events certain things happen and you really really enjoy them, but just when u were a feeling a connection to people and places, everything fades away again. i guess it is really the unpredictability of life. the twisted turn of events. n the key..move on..but still its annoying. well now i know exactly what i want and im ready to get it. nothing else shall and will matter.

"Rise and fall like the fading waves
but falter not for thy worthiness is embedded in their receding joy."

okie i jus made tt up from the top of my head..i think it makes no sense.
anyway im off to meet my aunt and cousins for dinner at chom chom! YAY!

oh n post ct life is soooo damn amazing. after shoppin wif sads, i went out wif ninny the other day. n i can surely say she is the bestest fren n pandi any1 could ever ask for..sorry ive been late the past few times..hehe..but yup n i should seriously stop watching soap operas..they make shows like superman returns soo damn pedictable. its like from the time they showed lois married n having a kid i told ninny tt that kid was superman's but she didn believe me as usual..but then lo and behold! i was right! hahaha...i should quit soaps man..seriously...

england portugal game later on tonight. ENGLAND MUST DIE! haha go on portugual! hhaha..btw portugese costal countryside is simply breathtaking. nevermind one day, ONE DAY i tell you ill be off venturing new frontiers and experincing the scenic wonders of europe marred by my momentous FIRST eva PLANE ride...tt would be the day i tell you..n the sooner the better..=P but for that id need to make my OWN cash cos well parents cant afford explains my plane-lessness..haha if there is even such a word. oh i was reading this thing about orphans in nepal. its like a 5 mth volunteer program..n i actually am considering doing tt after A's. the cost is like under a 1000 cos well its sing dollar converted to rupees i think. but ive always wanted to do this sorta thing. like u know giving back to the community and stuff. you know bring a smile to their faces. but yup till now its jus a strongly wanting to be materialised fantasy. oh well..we'll see...

"Trapped in a tantalizing tapestry of silent dreams."

2006-06-28T23:47:00.000+08:00

well, finally cts are over! yay! but i dont think the results are gg to be very appealing or satisfying. i jus know i screwed up chem and maths really bad. i am dissapointed but oh well, thats life.. speaking of which, soooo much has happened but i just haven had the time to write it all down.

let me start off with the last week of hols which i technically should have spent mugging but oh well like i always say, when opportunity strikes one should grab..haha and sometimes things are more important.

for instance on last wed, krys called me saying there was this ACJC charity eveny going on at zouk! and she had extra tickets and if i wanted to go..so obviously i said YES! haha and it was fun too..up to the point when the bouncer came to check if u had a stamp on my hand cos technically those not 18 yet had to leave after the event. so wasted la..but it was nice meeting up withe old friends and meeting new people as venessa invited her poly friends along and krys invited some of her BHSS friends as well..i really really enjoyed their company and zouk was fun..but since we got chased out snce only krys, venessa and phillp were 18 lol we went to play pool, eat and tok crap, catch up with old times till it was 1am!! and i was like oh crap krys! my dad and ur mum are gonna kill us...so we took a cab home together since we live soo near...yup it was indeed highly enjoyable and the company was even more wayy better.. in life one doesnt need fancy cars, clothes or wealth, they just need to have good company and a clean good heart to go along with it..

Then of friday, i cooked dinner cos well ma was really tired an stuff. i love trying out new recipies that actually work and have like low oil content and almost NO salt at all..yes i dont add salt to food, i substitute it with other flavours, most of the time a mixture of them like lemon, thyme, zest, and herbs. fresh herbs always do it for me though they are sooo rare to find in singapore. i love italian cooking. its soo chic and they keep things simple. simplicity is really perfection if u ask me. anyway i was so happy that the new stuff i tried, was mostly remebered off Jamie Oliver's cooking show and since i didnt write down anything it was pure experimentation and personal touches when i could remeber all the steps and i was happy it all worked out in the end. onli i a bit too much water to the rice so it came out a little soft, other than that there was roast chicken and potatoes, baked mushrooms, smabal kangkong and rice. BUT the BEST thing was that i made this ITLIAN ICECREAM!! homemade!! yes it actually worked. i was a sckeptic of it at first but i was overjoyed when it worked. it used eggs and the beating of the eggs to give you that fluffy emulsifying texture was pure hard work but it was worth it man!! ma was amazed lol. and the BEST part was that i used EQUAL sugar so reka could eat it too, as it not real pure sugar so it aint so sweet. =DD

Then on Sunday i went for fauroni's wedding, he was my phy tutor in cedar and honestly he is one of the most dedicated teachers i have ever seen! and for that very fact i just couldn pass on his wedding which he invited me for. haha i went wif my mum and yea it was cool cos his brother was getting married at the same time too. so its like double celebration. the food was simply scrumptious! haha =P i always like weddings, always so idealistic and romantic minus all the behind the scene politics that may occur. but yup romantic idealists notions always occur when im at weddings. call me a hopeless romantic for that short moment of time. =P

Then came dreaded cts. i dun wanna tok abt it. its over and done with and yea whatever the result be id accept it.. i mean i really could have done more, judging by the last week's turn of events. i dun think im gonna do well..sigh..

oh well but going out wif sads today after all the cts was very destressing and fun. i was late cos i tot id sleep from 12 to 1pm then go meet her at 3 but i ende up sleeping till 230pm!! so i was obviously late la..i didnt know i was soo tired..haihz.. we did the most absolutely crazy stuff like going to all the expensive shops like esprit and such and trying on clothes we knew we would never buy and the most outrageous of combinations like a gaudy top with horrid half pants..eww.. but oh well it was fun n we took so many pics wif my phone tho the quality and ability is quite bad la..but who knows we would have needed a digi cam.. well it was a superbly fun outing and i laughed so much my sides hurt la..haha..and we were so noisy on the train home oso..haha..and i never met a worse disser than me! lol..oh well..it was nice and a gd change. its good to know you can have and share a good friendship even if you dont really have lotsa time to meet up and maintain it. as they say familiarity can breed negativity and well as cliche as it sounds absence makes the heart grow fonder! haha =P

Trying on the same pink dress
we both knew we would never
buy cos it was too short and slutty
and too costly...LOL

We thought the shirt would suck
but the fit was actually nice..the
bottom half pants was gross tho..
haha..=P

As a great poet once said..."Ah, make the most of what we yet may have befor we too into the dust descend.."

2006-06-18T23:26:00.000+08:00

The most happiest man.......

Happiness is the most important thing for you to achieve in your life.
Happiness can not be gained.
It is earned by your heart.
Happiness can be found
When you are close to God and obeying his words
Happiness can be found
When you show your kindness to others
Happiness can be found
When you are nice to those you hate
Happiness can be found
When you help others
Happiness are the love and kindness
And learn to enjoy what ever comes along
Happiness is not far away from you
It is close to you heart
Happiness is serving God for all eternity
and once you fulfilled your wishthen you are the most happiest man.

i found this poem on the net by chance really and i really liked it. i realised my past posts were so random i decided to blog on sth more important.

happiness. something desired, longed for by many yet earned and felt by few. i think to truly feel happiness the poet missed out something you need to be secure. security with who you are and what you are going to do. when you know exactly who you are and hence know exactly what you are going to give of yourself to others. more often than not happiness comes from within like when your so at ease with the world. there is nothing you want to change because there is nothing to change because you know people are the way they are and you accept them, their strengths their flaws. your happy because your just you and your not afriad to show you to the world. i used to know exactly who i was. exactly what i wanted in life. exactly where i wanted to go and do. but now i dont. things changed. i gave way to imperfection and i let spontaneity into my life. its fun. it makes me happy. yet deep down at the back of my mind i know i have this naggin insecurity. the insecurity of the future. no use really but its just there. i no longer what i want to do or go. a rough idea maybe but im not as sure as i was as last time i was going to get it. perfection in an imperfect world is imperfection in itself. but still. insecurity leads to unhappiness sometimes.

yet today the most exhilarating thing happen. i was shoppin with my dad cause he need shaving stuff and well i just went for the ride. i was looking at soccer jerseys when this little boy came right up to me and hugged my legs. i mean i was taken aback intially. then i looked down n smiled. he laughed and ran off. then as i was choosing stuff, he came back n each time i passed a shirt he looked at it and the price, which was what i was doing anyway. adorable but yea they was such joy in his face. i looked over at his parents, they just smiled at me. at least they knew where he was. then he was like "u choose already??'" haha i was like yea. but it struck me as i was so caught up in choosing the perfect jersey to try i realised i have many options in my life. even the ones i seemed to have narrowed down. but the world aint a vaccumm and yes the possibilities are endless. like the breath taking scenes of countrysides in italy, your life could take an unexpectable turn for the best. i want to touch people's life and make a difference. i was reading past sms-es a very drunk or self claim drunk arun had sent me but yes my screwed up half- cousin made me feel as if i made a difference, if in no one else's life at least his. he is still as scrwed up as ever, but the objective of being there for some1 is not to change them, it is just to be there for them and yea live it through with them.

common tests are worrying me but really i have been watching one tree hill all the season 2 episodes and dirty dancing 2!! omg its a damn damn good show!! i love it! my kinda show...historical setting..its in cuba with the back drop of the fidel castro led revolution and yes all about being free, taking a chance and living in the moment of here and now and doing right by youself and by as many as you can possible..

watching one tree hill made me realise something, we alot of times hide behinds masks, sherades of who we think others would accept. like i was telling reka, people are full of layers, layers you have to be willing to peel in order to get to know the real person. some layers are just not worth the effort peeling, but others are, and you'd be amazed at what you find. which leads me back to the idea of just being yourself. i mean if ppl dont like it then so be it. at least you dont need layers to conceal your identity. when you say sum1 is arrogant or cocky. there are just 2 things tt can be the case. firstly its a sherade and they are really nice ppl undeneath tt exterior in need of just some frenship. or they really are worl class jerks. but then again like i always believe. they is inherent good in simply every1. differences or disagreements arise when ya exteriors dont match yup to the person you are trying to potray or that the other is trying to potray.

oh well i dont think any1 understood anything i said in the super long entry above. i just blurted out stuff that came to my head. its okie i tink im just high or stressed. i get this way sometimes. am gonna watch dirty dancing 2 again! haha=)) there goes cts..but yes i love the show..the dancing is amazing. latin dancing..sumday ill learn it. well as most ppl prob dont know except a few like fredrick, yes i wanted to be a professional latin dancer and dance my life away in all the countries around the world when i was younger. haha oh well. well the other one was to be an air stewardess and an embassador. but the dancer things sounds waayy cooler and more radical. haha..

as the 3rd week ends. i just wanna say that this hols have been soo different for me.. i did soo many radical un dhiviya-ish things. and you know what i dont regret a bit of it. in fact ill do it all again..=) most of it anyway..=D i need to find my sercurity blanket again..

2006-06-16T03:22:00.000+08:00

RANDOM

just when i thought last week was eventful, this week turns out to be way more eventuful than the last..its passed by fast too..=(

im awake at 3am..onli gd thing on tv is the sweden paraguay match...i dunno y im up really...i was damn hungry...so couldnt sleep...decided to make maggie mee...so ya now am bloggin..haha=P sigh...im nuts la..

anyway the week started off wif the inscecent smell of turpentine n paint.yes my house is being painted...n the smell drove me crazy after a while on mon..so much so that after abt 5pm in the house for the whole day i simply needed to get out for a fresh breather...sigh..

tues was perfect..haha it seems either my mon or tues end up perfect..=P but yes..i cant imagine wad a clutz i was...okie la usually i am but its under control..but today i jus kept doing one embarrasing thing after another...from not realising that i was supposed to meet at the new cathay i heard it as cafe cartel at ps!! how far apart is tt man..haih..n i knocked over this signboard thingy they had as well..damn embarrasing as well as giving the taxi driver wrong directions cos i got my left n right mixed up...like i said this rarely happens..=( anyway, dont watch the omen cos its a damn retarded horror show. it starts off as a love story and ends soooo lamely its a pure waste of cash really...anyway, the company was gd..=) sometimes i think the company ur with is all tt matters irregardless of the place, setting location or what ur doing. and yes GOD puts ppl into ur life soo unexpectedly but all for a reason in the end...

i had an interesting discussion as well. the degree of emotional attachment to sum1..be it a friend or family or relative. hmm it got cut short but i realised sth.. u cant help having an affinity for a person no matter how u constrain it..its one of the heart over mind things..but really at the end of the day no matter how immoral you are, i belive every1 i born with an innate moral consiousness...so every1 has gd in them n it is this moral consiousness tt will lead ur way...fate as much as i wd like to dismiss it as a figment of the overly superstious mind and imagination, determines a good 10 % of life i tink..n hence, no matter how much we try to fight it at the end of the day we gotta play with the cards we're dealt with

wed was debate chalet! tho my dad didnt let me stay over...it was gd fun..u ppl make cca so fun n wacked out...i made this.i dunno whats wrong with me but ive taken to taking pics tt are reminiscent of my life..haha overly sentimental but oh well they are nice!! =))

Thurs was okie i guess...dad invited his friends over and i realised how important compatilbility n spontaneous chemistry is in any relationship. overrated by sum, underestimated by others but oh so vital to me..=)

Why worry about the past for what has happened will nv change? why worry about the future for what is to be has yet to be?? and why worry abt what is happening in the present for after all its a gift aint it? so embrace it! =D

time for some gd old fashioned sleep =)

2006-06-09T11:19:00.000+08:00

wow another week has zoomed past...there go my cts man..haha but yes this week was soooo super fun la..haha =))

mon: absolutely awesome! went to arab street for the 1st time in my life knowing i was there..haha i mean ive been there b4 and all but i have a tendancy to know streets by landmarks and ppl by faces and not by their names..weird right..but anyway, had a great dinner, never knew turkish food would taste so nice..haha anyway, then got home..my dad grumbled as usual cos i reached home at 10pm..okie usually he doesnt say much..hmm mayb its because he was on leave and at home so he took the chance to grumble but nvm la i settled it..with him ending off with a lecture on A's and how i should stop playing/gg out so much n focus on my work. well what he says is true. but then again if you dont seize opportune moments here and there to just have fun or chill out with friends when are you ever gonna get the time to do it? carpe diem! sieze the day! haha=P oh well..its a pity i dont have pictures but the gathering today was nice too even though the whole initial novelty, euphoria has worn off..well in life, its the experince and small moments in your life that matter..

oh and on a completely random notes, ive been feeling highs and lows this week. its weird really. i dunno, i think its just a multitude of emotions/events all jumbled up into one, leading you to think about how things are and how they would be like in the future. i mean i probably just had a ephiphany. its like every1 knows the future is yet to be, the suspense the uncertainty the mystic mystery but most of us regergitate that fact like a chewed out gum. but today, i realised the endless possibilities that may or may not be. no one knows what will happen or how stuff will turn out, your just left standing with your fingers crossed hoping for the best. i realised something else about myself too. i dont think id take or fit a convential planned life very well, you know where your whole life is mapped out for you with no room for spontaneous combustion or disaster to occur. i mean i realised i hate the idea of being restricted, to some extent even being told that i cant do something but still if people said it to be long and hard enough id probably buy into it..=S hmmm another weird realisation

anyway, i decided to spend some quality time with ma since she constantly nags about me not spending time with her which i dont really think is true..but oh well, i dragged her to town and we shopped like crazy lla..haha but i didnt expolit her credit card services, it was more just window shoppin and talking. it really depends on what sorta mood she is in. annoyed, danone-ish or reasonably receptive. haha i guess its the same with all sorts of people. different times, different people.

i was reminiscing about the past cedar days with ninny. good ole days they were. and she was sayin how despite many of us being victims of circumstance, its a gd thing both of us and vernie even haave really remained close enough without changing much. i mean except physically. haha i mean i was fat in sec3 you know, and ninny was shorter and vernie looks so pretty now..haha=P oh well..vernie's bdae is coming up, i hope the three of us do something memorable and retarded like how we walked the whole of clarke quay last time lookin for a club which vernie's dad's fren owned but really just ended up lost at the end of the singapore river! haha..what would u guys do without me for directions! haha=DD at the end of the day, its the warmth and unconditional comfort of your company i enjoy! =DD

hmmm thurs zoomed by so fast i felt the day was wasted cos well it was raining and yea i couldnt help but sleep lots. i guess it is true, days do go to waste if u dun rise and shine in the morn.

this entry is soo damn random..haha oh well.

"i wonder when it will all end and how ill be at the end of it all?? a changed person? more resilient n stong or a devil in disguise??"

2006-06-02T11:33:00.000+08:00

my goodness how time flies...i guess its true what they say..time flies when your having fun..=))

haha so just so as to not forget what has happened this week i decided to rmb it all again..haha update for the lack of it..

mon: hmm...went shopping!! bought a super nice pink dress...haha its like from spain but yea it was worth the discount and all..=)) had a hair cut and the lady was soo nice..even gave me a massage, chinese tea and cake! haha..now TT is what i call service..=))

Tues: AHHH....the absoultely most perfect day of the week! PERFECT! haha =) went to watch X-men3..soo super cool..but yea didn realise there is actually a scene AFTER the credits so we missed it...so lame la who puts a scence after credits..like most people would have missed it..haha then walked around..had a few drinks...Peerrrfeect i tell you..especially the company and all...;)

Wed: haha another good day..went shopping again! this time with my sis at causeway point!! omg that place is miniature shopping paradise la..got sooo many things to see and buy! haha=P so obviously i bought stuff, tops, undergarments, earrings...blah blah..haha i lost track..then i went to meet the new tenants for the woodlands flat my mum is renting. i dont really like the lady..especially based on vibes..she makes them scream red alert all the way..but i guess its still better than nth..

Thurs: boorring day..had to go back to school for debate..was quite fun..haha and adrian smugly twisted everything so everything that goes/went wrong is/was my fault esp at ACJCs..lol nice try..but dude you gotta try waayyy harder..=)) slept frm 5 to 8pm! damn that was long but good n refreshing..=)) then watched vcd and my drama..haha my drama serial nv seems to end man...twist and turns all the way...

haha i love the hols so far..been better than what i expected cos it has become so fun shopping, good movies, good company, good food and drinks...what more could a girl ask for?? haha =DDD

2006-06-01T23:12:00.000+08:00

caught in a whirlwind...

i think im falling. falling in the wrong path. im afraid of a pointless meaningless wayward stray. afterall it doesnt mean anything to you. so yes it shouldnt to me too. its not serious for you so it shouldnt be for me..so get out of my head damnit. its all wrong.. oh man like a week is already gone!! i need to start studyin..=( arGH i hate this feeling. desire intertwined with anxiety and insercurity. its all wrong....im caught in a whirl wind.

Solace i seek, in the mystic beauty of it all. the calmness, the illusion, the sanity. in the colours i ride and fade away blending and becoming one with the fading horizon. your might and power i feel.

2006-05-28T21:42:00.000+08:00

SCHOOL'S OUT!

haha well, not exactly. but good enough for me. NO more waking up at 6am anymore!! for a mth at least. well this weekend has been GREAT! fantastic...total R&R n meeting up with gd gd friends =))..

hmm friday, i just slept alot. watched mr and mrs smith again. cooked dinner for my family. dad said he loved it. lol he always says tt. i bet he is lying sometimes..=P cos i felt the vegetables could have been grilled alittle more longer..=))

saturday, i went to SINDA. Im volunteering to read to underprivelaged kids. they provided us with some training which i cleaverly ponned half way. i mean its like soo boring and its not like i dunno how to handle kids. done my fair share of baby-sitting for free =P like duh i know how to read and be patient.blah blah so i left =) but yep its time to give back to the community. my kid's name tentatively is rakesh. was told he's a naughty little boy, but well i think id rather have an active kid then one who is jus heavily sedated by the complexities of human politics. so well ill just see how it goes then. i mean seriously, even though ive sorta given up on the joy of reading which im still trying to rediscover, i think every kid should and must be euipped with the ever most essential skill to read. haha well ill soon see how naughty the guy exactly is and his mom too since its a home based thing.

then, i went to meet sads. hmm it was nice meeting her again. bimbotic tendancies always flow out when im wif her..=P haha no la im just kidding=P anyway, had pastamania and walked around abit. pasta was gooodd...with th trunkoad of cheese we stuffed ourseleves with..=PP well wad can i say we both loooovvvee cheessee...gossiped, bitched for a bit then went off. we must really meet up more often..=PPP

hmm then aurelia came over to my house. man i love her man. she never never fails to make my day. slacked around. watched love actually. and got high. she slept over. haha my getting high partner. what on earth would i do without you. ill miss you when you move back to spain once your dad gets transferred again..=( you seriously are the best friend a girl could ever ask for..=PP who would i feel right enough with to hang loose and get high?? haha=PP love ya loads and we seriously must meet up wayyy more often these hols..=PP

sunday, after sending aurelia off, went back to sleep some more..=) then went for a suppppeeerrr gooodd retail theraphy. bought 2 tops. wanted to buy more but well cash is always a limiting factor. a harsh preview and prelude for the transition back to reality. oh well. then went to temple. lol i know sounds hard to believe. but i finally decided to go wif my sis and grandma and dad. it was good gg to temple. been suuch a looonggg time. TOO long i think. i felt really good, serene, at peace with it all again. i love the effect that temple has on me. most temples dont. this one is just special.to think its in some ulu-ated start of a red-light district in the heart of chinatown! but well i went wif my dad so its good. yes to temple more often go i must! it refreshes me greatly.

My idea of serenity, peace, calm and everlasting genuine subtle joy and unconditional love. an idealist seeking realist perfection. ironic.oxy-moron-ish.but well, someday it will all be real. someday, ill be able to look within myself, search within my own soul and capture such a moment in the eternity of time. things never mean to be are lost in the darkness and the things that are spread, twinkling, dancing on water. the things that will be are seen in the rising/fading horizon.(however you choose to look at it). ultimately, these three combine to give you ultimate perfection. idealistic. to be lost in a moment of time, in a world and the emotion of it all. the intenstity. the overwhelming desire which no longer becomes longing but acceptance. solitude. purity. enlightenment. =)

2006-05-27T10:20:00.000+08:00

Ah, imgaine running through the swiss alps without a worry in the world. carefree. bliss. at one with it all. just as the landscape cascades you look up and realise the "crossroads" of it all. the mountains in the distance, the white fluffy clouds, the cold tantalizing breeze, the fresh fowers at your feet. your free. your happy. it all seems to make sense again. Frozen in a moment of time you are hit with the dynamics and mystic wonders of the world all over again.

~ the idealistic realist speaks again..=) ~

2006-05-22T23:14:00.000+08:00

I love these pics. They inspire me. I love orcas. They have his forboding sense of fear to them yet they have this unique carefree captivating spirit. you see them, your overwhelmed yet your not scared your in awe, your inspired by their sheer size -the magnitute and intensity of it all. ive never seen one upclose cos well ive never left s'pore but yes they captivate me. and another thing, they make oceans look really deep. i mean we all know oceans are deep but they add that aspect to it, they make it clearer. they state and accentuate the truth, i like that.

2006-05-22T22:25:00.000+08:00

Whatever...

im sooo sick and tired of being used. used for your own emotional support, to provide you with comfort when your down only to become non exsistant again when your happy or only when your sick needs are met. i am worth much more and i aint going to be used. i aint so gulliable or dumb to not know what your thinking or what your getting at. cant people just be direct or straight forward, honest and down to earth? not lying cheating retards. im done with all this. better now than later and luckily i wasnt roped in emotionally yet. next time someone comes to me with a problem, or is like oh im need of help could someone pls help me, look somewhere else. im done with it all. honestly. and the next time you come back apologising and saying how sorry and wrong you were i'll tell you to take looong walk on a short jetty, cos you know what walk the talk or get the hell out of my life. i aint as easy or as gulliable for you to manipulate. all your words are lies. empty words which mean nothing. well most people's words are. but u seemed different and i was soooooo bloody wrong. i saw it coming a mile away, i should have listened to my instincts. and yea my grandma read my hand and told me to be wary of guys...and boy was she soooo right..

2006-05-20T00:30:00.000+08:00

R&R...=)

yay! today i finally finally finally met up wif ninny! the all time best pal in the world..man the girl hasnt changed since sec1..the same old down to earth, fun bubbly person, its amazing we have been friends for so loongg...i feel blessed for that...and aww when we were leaving she actually got all sentimental since we aint gonna meet up for quite long due to various reasons...lol its soooo unlike her..

but yes i feel so relaxed and high now...watched da vinci code with her at the new cathay cineplex! omg its sooo nice! haha the place is really good..good seats, good popcorn, great company what more could you possibly ask for?? =DD i didnt read the book so i thought the concept of it all was interesting cool even. but ninny felt it was a let down as she had read the book. well, actually all movies made from books are a let down in general cos books give you so much more personal connection to it and touch too...gosh i really should start reading more books, the last time i read a book was AGGGGEEESSS ago..not gd..nvm i shall borrow reka's da vinci code and read it..=P

oh ya and i saw S25 guys at the same place too..they were watching the time show as well! what a coincidence..haha well it was prash who saw me 1st..lol..anyway, after that me and ninny went to eat ps grilled chicken! =D so expensive now already no more 3.60..and then we went to eat gelato! its da cheaper one and supposed to be 99% fat free...i bet it all a hoax a gimick to get ppl like us to buy more..haha=P but yes, we talked for a long time before we left..i feel happy..=DD we must really meet up and go out more often!! ninny you rock!!!=DDDD bet ur head is inflatin to the size of a giant hot air balloon right now..=PP (JK!) anyway i think im getting uglier and fatter by the day...and i wanna get high and content every day! =PP like that will ever happen..oh well..

n sads sorry i couldn meet u..i had stuff to do..=(( but yea i really do wanna go watch planes fly and talk crap, intellectual crap with you..=PPP..soon soon okie..it MUST happen..=DDand it will!.

2006-05-15T22:36:00.000+08:00

Stress..

argh im stressed..so much work n im here blogging..n there is a maths test tomolo which i haven studied for...been so distracted lately..=(=(=( HAIHZ..i need to do way way way better than this if i have any hope of a future at all..

well not to fear..deeboorah's here! haha (insider joke) LOL!!! thx fk for never failing to make my day..=D

the entrapment of expectations. the quest for elation.

we want it all, but how many of us loose ourselves in the midst of it all, and seriously is it worth it??

2006-05-14T13:00:00.000+08:00

Well done!!

okie..this shall be a special entry especially dedicated to my darling nj debate juniors..=PP i know saturday was not the best of days but seriously u guys were absolutely WONDERFUL!! AMAZING!! FANTASTIC!! haha i could go on forever..but really you guys rocked! so dont let dumb stuff get to you..some people are just plain retarded and well shit happens..=D so cheer up! cos you guys seriously made my day!! never been so proud and happy of you guys b4...so yes, bryan,weige, annabelle, stanley, and nicholas...well done!! =DDD

i am sooo damn tired now..drained. shagged. i need more sleep!! but i think the more you sleep the more tired you get. paradoxical viscious cycles..=(=( haihz there is sooo much work to do which i haven started since i devoted fri to sleeping and sat to AC invites..so now im back to square 1...argh when will this all END??? when will i finally be outta nj n free again?? haihz..

oh yes and i finally realised something! when you really dont try to control or change anything in engaging in futile attempts, you feel much better. and yes, relationships be it family, friends or other sorts are all special in some way possible. they are there to teach you things be it good or bad..and wow arun i never knew you felt that way before, so maybe your not the superficial rich cousin i thought i had..i always knew you probably had a more deeper side to you beneath that shallow surface..and well im glad i found out tt you do...good for you dude! =PP

i think the key to it all is not to have attachment..attachments lead merely to suffering as the buddha once said. lead the path of good, wrong no one, have a clear conseince and yup happiness shall find its way into thy life. happiness aint have to take the form of smiles and laughter all the time, it just needs to be that feeling of absolute content and serenity you have deep inside of you. and trust me that will just radiate all out of you! that is the path i wanna thread on..=P=P!

2006-05-05T22:14:00.000+08:00

Nonchalant Nostalgia

oh man talk to me about nostalgia man. The immense intensity of it all and ah the reminiscent joy of it as well. I finally went back to my woodlands flat after so many years that have past. oh man i simply love that flat. its so empty so carefree and the ambience of the house. its like your perfect getaway home with ya beach house atmosphere even though it faces the road and its your average humble 4 room flat. man the memories there are simply irresistible, it sends that tantalizing sensation through your every nerve. old pictures, smurf toys!, "secret doors", majestic paintings..gosh it has it all. well its finally going to be rented out, but well all that happened there was the past and no point dwelling on it but it was a good past to remember. i remember the escapades my sis and i got up to, my parents never fought when we were there. it was family like it should be with the perfect house as the backdrop. well i took back all the pictures and stuff..so adorable. i tink i was an evil sis who used to bully my sis cos in most of the pics im trying to irritate her..haha..

oh yes n how could i forget the painter who's painting the flat b4 it is rented. oh my god he's so hot! haha my sis n i melted the moment he smiled. haha he's half eurasion half sikh but still u would have never guessed he's 52!! i thought he was 29 or 35 max! lol. he used to be a sailor.(i dunno whats with me n sailors, pilots and commandos. haha i tink its the men in uniform thingy..haha im crazy la) i tink if i ever get married id want a guy like him! haha okie mayb im gg overboard, but honestly i tink he's the perfect type. the really man kind, the ruff and tuff, a little rough ard the edges kinda guy but with that perfect down to earth kinda personality- like you know black is black and white is white no nonsense- ill tell u like it is kinda guy yet with that element of absolute suaveness and a charming smile and aura! oh man..that's my idea of perfection. what's the point of having a perfectly handsome rich guy. i dont want all that. i jus want a down to earth guy, he should be streetwise, a little rough aroung the edges, manly, yet u noe with that tinge of shy sensitiveness ..=P haha i guess perfection is really based on perception.

2006-05-05T18:29:00.000+08:00

tired

gosh i dunno y im so tired. like today i woke up at 615 contemplated a long hard decision to go to school or not..lol and in the end the in the war of the sleep the bed won. so i ended up ponning sch. well its nth new really. just tt i felt abit guilty. but otherwise i think it was a gd self break. =P cos i woke up onli at 1 pm!! and den i jus slacked ard my house doing absolutely nth!! haihz. i wanted to do some work but couldn bring myself too.haihz. i should really stop being his way.

2006-04-29T00:03:00.000+08:00

Idealism

i want my own island so i can feel the breeze and bask in the serenity of it all.
i want my own beach house so i can see the tides rise and fall
i want my own island to be filled with my loved ones
i want life to be without complications and weird complexities and unacceptable of people.
i want to want to touch the sky and feel ultimate joy and unconditional love.
i want to hear the songs of the birds and dance to the rhythm of my own soul
i want to watch tantalizing sunsets on the beach with the one.
i want to feel secure and loved without prerequisites.
i want to soar to heights unimaginable so i can experience my ideal paradise islands from up above and down below as well.

hmmm...i wonder if my idealistic wants will remain locked in my memories or maybe translate into reality some day. masters of our own destiny we want to be but are not, victims of circumstance with the aim of control is what we really are.

2006-04-24T18:13:00.000+08:00

okie...i feel much better now..=) i decided letting things be and just letting the universe take its course is best. there is no point in questioning the what ifs and what may bes in life, just let it take its own spiral and in due time u might jus spiral onto something that is just good and might just work for you. haihz there is so much to do. but yep i shall not try to control the inevitable.

2006-04-23T22:23:00.000+08:00

ESCAPE

how does one evade a rut or climb out of one? i think im in too deep a rut and i desperately need to get out. smell the fresh air again. take solace in the kingfisher's call and feel just one and whole again. i will get back to that way. in fact i know i probably would be way better than before. its just the initial stages like now that suck. i know my prayers will be answered eventually. i know i sound so down and i dont really like feeling this way, but i will bounce back. its just that bad stuff come knocking at your door usually all at once. sometimes, we become carried away and too trusting or we assume or expect things to be wonderful, happy and nice, but often the mind projects not what is and will be. but yes, sometimes the best defence is a good offense. yup just have to figure how how it is applicable now. there is soo much suffering in the world. and i cant solve it all but ahh whatever la im rambling. i should just chill out and take the wise words of the beatles..."let it be"

When I find myself in times of trouble, mother Mary comes to me, speaking words of wisdom, let it be. And in my hour of darkness she is standing right in front of me, speaking words of wisdom, let it be. Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be. Whisper words of wisdom, let it be. And when the broken hearted people living in the world agree, there will be an answer, let it be. For though they may be parted there is still a chance that they will see, there will be an answer. let it be. Let it be, let it be, ..... And when the night is cloudy, there is still a light, that shines on me, shine until tomorrow, let it be. I wake up to the sound of music, mother Mary comes to me, speaking words of wisdom, let it be. Let it be, let it be, .....

2006-04-23T00:35:00.000+08:00

when nightmares turn to reality....

human instincts are funny things. its just like you can see things coming a million miles away and ur instincts scream it out to you, but we often ignore them or sideline them. i should really listen to my inner voice much much more. and yes i never want to re-live friday night again and i hope she doesnt have to too. it was just bad. stuff worked out eventually but sgh is one screwed up place. there are only very few doctors who actually care especially when you go at night. the front admin is jus full of crap. they work with such a heck care attitude and even a snail would move faster. but yea tip: if you ever go to sgh because well its an emergency make sure you hound the doctors till they actually see the people you want them to see, yes n exaggerate the situation and pray you dont ever get china nurses cos they really really suck. they cant even poke needles properly or tell if you are a boy or a girl even when ur wearing a skirt and your ez link card says female. retards. anyway, i hope the reality nightmare of friday stays but a distant past FOREVA! but like they say there is always a rainbow after the rain. hopefully that is true.

2006-04-18T19:57:00.000+08:00

you know sometimes i feel that perhaps such a thing like God doesnt exsit anymore. i mean deep down i how he does, but what i cant get my head around is the fact that why he cant answer what i have so many a times asked n wished for. its not like i want happiness for myself cos i know there are times when life just plain sucks. but y Y Y?? cant he just grant happiness to the person i asked it 4?? YYYY??? i mean as if having a major illness n coping with it day in day out is not bad enough you have to go give her new problems like things wif a toe or unhealed cuts that lead to gangreen n wad not. like what sorta sadistic humour is that to your so called grand desgin. cant things at home ever be peaceful and normal. like a normal happy family. y is it always one problem after another one issue after another? im numb to most of the stuff...all except when it affects her. cant you just be nice and cut her some slack? is it not gd enough there is already no cure for it, that you have to create problems like all the stuff i said and new medicine that im my opinion just cause her more pain treating her alomst like a freaking test subject. its plain not fair. cant i share and take like 3/4 of whatever sadistic stuff you have to hand out. cos ill gladly take it n prevail thru it. YYYYYYY??? i sound ungrateful i know but i dunno i just cant just stand by watch it all n remain silent n keep wishing. there is a limit to that all afterall. it breaks my heart each time and it doesnt help when i have an over paranoid mum and a dad who is jus the other way extreme. its jus not fair. n yes i know life is not fair. i can very well accept that but not when its tt way to the one person i care the most abt. i tink this is probably a side of me tt most ppl never know or see, but really i couldn care less and while im at it, how about i take this chance to say this to whoever the cap fits. cos if it fits wear it! to certain ppl in sch, it okie to continue the way you have been acting with all the ignoring crap cos honestly i couldn care any less, cos well i hav a clear consience n i know i didn do anything so wrong to deserve this sorta treatment. besides its sooo secondary sch-ish like grow up already. i have already asked u if u have a problem with me or if i may have done anything wrong unintentionally, so if u cant even b decent enough to give me a reply n carry on the way you n the rest are then be my guest. cos seriously i have more things to get affected by the insignificane you embody. ive held my peace for long, but like i said im on da edge now so yea, whatever!

gosh that was such an angsty post. but yea, its gd to finally get it off my chest, tho it doesnt change anything or the fact that God somehow doesnt seem to deal the cards out fair and it is annoying and infuriating. im getting soooooo sick of it all really. ive learnt to overcome many things, setbacks n just be numb or immune to it, but i dont think i will ever be immune or numb when it concerns my sister.

2006-04-15T23:40:00.000+08:00

~ The waltz of a warrior~

blossoms of spring
a tattered old wing,
the sands of time
the victories of mime
the song of sorrow
the jolt of joy
the esscene of elation
the demise of desolation
will it ever be carefree contentment?
or just mere encumbered entrapment?
the horizon that beckons
the heart that reckons
the passion that surges
the heart that rages
in the emergence of elation
will there ever be placidity in pertulance?
the sail that never sailed
the dreamer that never dreamt
the star that never twinkled
the tear that never glisten
perhaps the quilt of quintessence will never fill the void of vitality
and the ardent quest for attainment will never end
yet in the tapestry of it all, the heart seeks to sing a soulful song
a song of serenity,
a song of wholeness,
a song of resolve mirrored by the melancholy cry of the kingfisher
to be an enigma of fantasy
to be one's own extascy.
to long for the call from the distant hills
just for a moment for the heart to feel a thrill
in a moment just to feel the complete serenity and tranquility of the world around
to encapsulate it in just but a moment of it all.

2006-04-15T00:09:00.000+08:00

Memories

this is so random...but i just felt like saying it...memories...ahh memories...you know funny things they are..both gd and bad. they are like invisible forces that encapsulate time and space in a moment frozen in ultimate eternity. so no matter what happens after tt in the future or what happened before that in the past...the memory is urs for the keeping for eternity. it doesnt matter if it fades away, the point its already ingrained in a part of you be it gd or bad for a reason, for a purpose- perhaps youll never comprehend till later. and the thought or the idea is both enticing and yet a little daunting. but then again you can choose the remember the good in memories by seein the good in people as well people are generally supposed to be good and well somewhere out there even in perhaps the evilest person on the planet there is some good. memories help keep the good of a person in your heart forever no matter what happens. and no one can steal it from you or break, tare it apart or disintegrate it..cos well its yours for the taking.

ahh...memories yet another master tool behind the master plan and grand design of life..=)

2006-04-14T23:39:00.000+08:00

~RARE ELATION..... tt sadly only comes once~

omg! today was the BEST day or should i say night of life =DDDD i never wanna forget this or loose this feeling...=P total night of pampering..=))) such a RARE RARE treat 4 me...like who ever does that for me...=)))) thx u thx u thx u sooooo much...u noe who u r tho ud nv read this or tt a night like this wd NEVER NEVER in a million yrs happen again...=( SIGH but tts life...im just soooooo SUPER ultra grateful for today...like amongst all the crap tt has been gg on in my life wif nj n wad not...dis has got to be THE biggest reward 4 just bearing wif it and facing it thru...=))))) thank u! and thank u god 4 making it happen..=)) even tho its most probably just one evening =(((...its more than i could ever EVER ask 4...like really..nobody has ever done such a thing for me..=))) thank u!...=DDDDD

2006-04-08T19:29:00.000+08:00

you know i never realised it then but i now know how much a part of me cedar is and how much i grew over the past 4 yrs. yesterday it was cedar's debate semis. It is onli the 2nd tym we have made it to the semis continuing the tradition from last year, as well the team is pretty much the same as last years. i have to say that i was amazingly proud of them for the growth and progress they have made and the potential they have to go to even greater heights. its amazing really. Its a real pity they lost. though i still firmly belive that if we perhaps had different more reliable judging the case might not be so. Alas, its a difference of opinion and like i told them when they were all sad and downtrotten, in life its nice to win and gain as many titles and accolades as possibles, but these aint the end all and be all of one's success. you dont need a title or medal to measure your self worth or how good you are. and i think after the coffee bean treat by fiona, all was well again and they soon realised how far they have come! =) im still so very proud of them tho i did very little of direct coaching with them but since last yr from the very 1st debate i saw them in till yesterday i muz say i was nodding and "thumbs-uping" like a maniac half the time during their speech.=) and i do hope mrs ng who has always been such a caring motherly teacher pulls through her problems and well god bless her!..=)

2006-04-05T23:17:00.000+08:00

Expectation. Desire. Expected Desire.

i ripped this off from bryan. "Perhaps our eyes need to be washed by our tears once in a while so that we can see Life with a clearer view again". How true. But well we gotta move on in the end.

We desire things. We expect things to happen. We set expectations. We desire to meet them. We feel that our expected desires be met. but alas, this is life not panasea.

Those of you who know me wd now my horrid ct grades. still cant believe i flunked gp. but yes we move on. i dunno if i shd drop a sub. haihz

but on a lighter note... i realise i have really nice friends haha...though they are all not from nj. haha as in being with them just gives me sooo much more perspective. fun. humour. maddness. n yes even comfort. for tt im grateful. sometimes being the victims of circumstance that we are, it takes others to open our eyes to realise that there is so much more in your life and that u are actually worth so much more than u deem yourself to be. that to me was of utmost importance. an unexpressed neccessity even. so for that im soo thankful..=)

so its probably true when u think ur sinking, life throws u a rope. u either reel yourself to the shore or you hold on to it expecting something to happen or you miss it and sink. i guess it all lies in a matter of perception.

2006-04-02T21:56:00.000+08:00

disheveled

Faux pas. Haihz. How could i have been so dumb. i feel retarded.its like you see the endless bottomless pit ahead, u tell yourself to avoid it at all cost and yet u slip. u fall. u screw up and worst of it all u fall without knowing ur falling.

George elliot once said.."There's no disappointment in memory, and one's exaggerations are always on the good side." so perhaps im justified to rant n rave here bascially at myself. i have always carried my sister's testing thing for her whenever we go out, but this time instead of puttin it in my bag i was holding it in my hand. Why?? i know not. I really didnt mean to loose it.i didn even know i had lost it till lyk a few mins ago. i was almost certain that i had brought it home but maybe i did drop it in da cab afterall. haihz. how could i be so irresponsible. no one was mad at me for loosing it which makes it weirder. but im mad at myself. haihz.well she's got a replacement. but im her big sis. im supposed to look after her. im supposed to not loose such stuff.especially such important stuff. i feel retarded. like a loser. why must i be so dumb? why cant i be perfect? okie mayb tt's pushin it. but yes everyone makes mistakes. n if my mistakes affects me i couldn care less.but here it affects my sis. any1 else and i probably wouldn care tt much.but she is one person who i care the MOST about. more than anything. more than my own self. ive asked GOD so many times to make her life gd nice filled with happiness. whatever problems she has to face give it me damnit. ill figure my way through it. im a fighter n ill fight to the end. i admire my sis's strength tho. her ability to be mad, crazy absoultely carefree admist it all. for that im glad. but still i feel inadequte. its at times like these when ur inadeqeucies begin to shed their shadow like a phantom from the past. engulfed i am. maybe it was just one of those things that were just meant to happen. no explanations about it. but still...i cant help feelin the way i do. and urgh i soooo do not feel like gg back to the rut again tomolo.

Jane austen said in mansfield park, "There will be little rubs and disappointments everywhere, and we are all apt to expect too much; but then, if one scheme of happiness fails, human nature turns to another; if the first calculation is wrong, we make a second better: we find comfort somewhere . . . " how true. comfort is on the horizon then =) its so true you know. the last person id expect to cheer me up did. thx arun.=) alas another day lies awaiting perhaps in the gallows beyond or in the skies above.

2006-04-01T17:52:00.000+08:00

Delibertaion. Liberation

after much deliberation, i have finally decided to start a blog, and i must say i am extremely pleased with my blog skin. Its sooo amazingly cool! haha =P although it took a long while to find.

I realised that with so much going on in my life currently the best solace i can take is in writing. I always liked writing my feelings down. i dunno but it always seemed as if i was talking to someone who was actually listening and understanding how i felt. I guess it may seem kinda weird but oh well i stopped this for a while but now i decided to retreat to it once again. hence, here i am. well as i am in a hurry to meet people for dinner.

maybe once i am really in the mood for it and not pressed for time i shall talk about the stuff that have happened recently in my life which have led me to the inevitable conclusion that whatever happens in life happens for a reason, and even when u think you have lost your way like a floundering fish out of water, if you pray hard enough and seek out for answers and help, someone out there will place you back into the water. maybe not directly so, but nonetheless its a headway for more things to come. so maybe the universe does want you to succeed afterall as hard a thought it may be to stomach.